โ if i remember that i can always turn to the source of my strength, โ
Posted: Sat, Aug 20, 2011 09:10:57 AM
THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY, when i am troubled, i will be able to stay clean and recover, no matter what may be going on around me.
i have said more than enough in the past about dealing with the death of a loved one. i have had loved ones die in recovery, practically since the second i started this journey, and all that the reading says applies to me and was my experience. in fact, this is one reservation that i have lived through several times and i have always come out of it, with my recovery intact. so there is really no more i need to write about, in this specific and rather narrow instance.
broadening my focus, to troubled times and dealing with the seemingly negative events that life throws at me, is however a better path for em to explore today. as i ponder and ruminate over this topic, i realize that yesterday, in my fatigue and exhaustion i was not there for one of the men i sponsor. yes, i have lapses in reality, and when he calls me today, i will own my part and let him know that i am sorry for not being there for him last night. even though, i could hardly afford the time to make the journey down south yesterday, i went any how. i was present for that sponsee, but by the time the day grew old last night, i had given all that i had to give.in forty-eight hours i start on a new path, and the stress of dealing with what that means for my life, has driven me to distraction. in fact, i was contemplating rushing out to buy a tablet computer because it is priced so attractively. most of the time, i would look to that as a symptom of my addiction, and perhaps it is. what i feel right here and right now, is that i do NOT NEED that new toy, and that i can scarcely afford to go out and get something i do not need. in fact, if i choose to wait, the deals will only get sweeter and i will be better able to actually afford one, even though my need will not be any greater. after dismissing that reaction to the stress i feel, i am now clear of distractions. i can and will take care of what is on my plate, including putting some real thought into allowing the POWER that FUELS my recovery, to guide me in my activities today. i may not think i have time to go to a meeting this morning, BUT as i feel my way through that particular decision, i see that will be time well spent. so the next task on my busy work-filled weekend, the last one i have before entering the corporate world is to prioritize the projects on my desk, by their relative merit to my enhancing my life. pausing for a second the list is obvious and will require me to let go of my expectations and get accomplished all that i NEED to accomplish to replenish my bank account and pay the bills that are on my desk. even though i have been running on self-will for quite a while now, it is amazing that when i let go, and i asked for help, i GOT what i needed, although it is not the solution that i would have picked for myself. i would have picked winning POWER BALL rather than a steady job, you know the quick and easy and seemingly softer way. well that ship may not have sailed, but i have been given the means to take care of the stress that has consumed me over the past 45 days. i did not use, not did i do a whole lot of damage to myself and others that will need to be repaired. yes there are consequences that i NEED to face, and i will have the resources to do so, one day at a time, starting today. so off to the showers and into this day.i WILL allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to care for my will and my life today, i will stop and listen for direction and i will allow myself to receive the guidance that i NEED to receive. all of that will open my life up to new possibilities instead of limiting my choices, the way i did every minute of every day, back before i decided to get clean and recover, one day at a time.
i have said more than enough in the past about dealing with the death of a loved one. i have had loved ones die in recovery, practically since the second i started this journey, and all that the reading says applies to me and was my experience. in fact, this is one reservation that i have lived through several times and i have always come out of it, with my recovery intact. so there is really no more i need to write about, in this specific and rather narrow instance.
broadening my focus, to troubled times and dealing with the seemingly negative events that life throws at me, is however a better path for em to explore today. as i ponder and ruminate over this topic, i realize that yesterday, in my fatigue and exhaustion i was not there for one of the men i sponsor. yes, i have lapses in reality, and when he calls me today, i will own my part and let him know that i am sorry for not being there for him last night. even though, i could hardly afford the time to make the journey down south yesterday, i went any how. i was present for that sponsee, but by the time the day grew old last night, i had given all that i had to give.in forty-eight hours i start on a new path, and the stress of dealing with what that means for my life, has driven me to distraction. in fact, i was contemplating rushing out to buy a tablet computer because it is priced so attractively. most of the time, i would look to that as a symptom of my addiction, and perhaps it is. what i feel right here and right now, is that i do NOT NEED that new toy, and that i can scarcely afford to go out and get something i do not need. in fact, if i choose to wait, the deals will only get sweeter and i will be better able to actually afford one, even though my need will not be any greater. after dismissing that reaction to the stress i feel, i am now clear of distractions. i can and will take care of what is on my plate, including putting some real thought into allowing the POWER that FUELS my recovery, to guide me in my activities today. i may not think i have time to go to a meeting this morning, BUT as i feel my way through that particular decision, i see that will be time well spent. so the next task on my busy work-filled weekend, the last one i have before entering the corporate world is to prioritize the projects on my desk, by their relative merit to my enhancing my life. pausing for a second the list is obvious and will require me to let go of my expectations and get accomplished all that i NEED to accomplish to replenish my bank account and pay the bills that are on my desk. even though i have been running on self-will for quite a while now, it is amazing that when i let go, and i asked for help, i GOT what i needed, although it is not the solution that i would have picked for myself. i would have picked winning POWER BALL rather than a steady job, you know the quick and easy and seemingly softer way. well that ship may not have sailed, but i have been given the means to take care of the stress that has consumed me over the past 45 days. i did not use, not did i do a whole lot of damage to myself and others that will need to be repaired. yes there are consequences that i NEED to face, and i will have the resources to do so, one day at a time, starting today. so off to the showers and into this day.i WILL allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to care for my will and my life today, i will stop and listen for direction and i will allow myself to receive the guidance that i NEED to receive. all of that will open my life up to new possibilities instead of limiting my choices, the way i did every minute of every day, back before i decided to get clean and recover, one day at a time.
∞ DT ∞