Blog entry for:

i certainly have had to deal with the feelings that arose out of the death of someone close, in fact more than once in my recovery, starting when i barely had two months clean, so i will not minimize or use jazz hands to make this go away. the fact is, it hurts. in fact it hurts like nothing i have ever felt before and the depths of that pain feel like it is never going away, and it never does, the intensity fades into the background of emotional white noise, as time passes and i am present with my feelings.
with all of that being said, i think i can move on, to the topic i latched upon as i sat and listened to the quiet, this morning, namely that every living thing will die, it is up to me, to make my time with the people i love and care for, worth it, by being present and appreciating them for who they are. someone asked me why i would drive to Bozeman for a weekend, and it comes down to that simple fact, my dad and his brothers are aging. in the course of my active addiction, i did everything i could to hide that fact from my family, especially my family in Montana, which meant that for the most part i was not there, and when i was there, i always had a can or bottle of a mildly alcoholic beverage in my hand, just to “take the edge off.” today, i cherish my time, with that side of my family and certainly believe i am worth doing whatever it is i can do, to see them, especially when the majority of them are together in one place. as i grow in my recovery, the awareness of the pain that my volunteered separation form my family caused, becomes more keen and impinges on my awareness each and every day. it rise out of the emotional white noise to remind me, that part of my amends to myself is to be a part of my family and participate in their lives as well. living in the real world i understand that often telescopes down to a few days a year, but in those few days, i can be present, i can be there and most importantly i can see it as something i want to do, not as something i have to do. i can find the joy in the situation that while i am with them, i am present for them.
today, i do not want to voluntarily create any new regrets and THE one i am thinking about right now, would be that i was not present for someone, when i had the chance to be. yes the pain of losing someone will not be lessened by what i do today, but the remorse and regret i may feel can be, with just a simple conscious act, that of being present, which ironically is what my sponse has been trying to tell me all along.
anyhow, today i find out one way or another whether or not i have a permanent job or i start the process of looking for a new one. in a way, knowing is better than the infinite offer letters that have been coming my way, in a very spam-like manner, which has had the effect of getting my hopes up and then crashing and burning them down. today that journey ends and i will get to see what the road ahead will bring, maybe it is a new job in my future, which will mean some heavy duty coding on the side. either way, i am ready for the new wave of emotion i will feel later today.

∞ DT ∞