Blog entry for:

facing my own mortality as i watch those of a previous generation succumb to the affects of aging, is tough. even tougher for me anyhow, are those who will not make an extraordinary effort to improve their life situation, battling the effects of becoming frail and old. i have seen my future and i refuse to sit by idly and let it happen, regardless of how inevitable it may be. i still have HOPE that if i choose to take care of myself today, i may enjoy an active and healthy end-of life experience. when faced with my own mortality, it is not death that scares me, it is becoming unwilling or unable to do anything to improve the quality of my life. i do not want to end up in five hundred square feet, just because i get old.
after dealing with that piece of bidness, what popped off the stack this morning for me, was all about dealing with the nature of my grief as i have experienced across the course of my recovery. friend, acquaintances, sponsees, beloved dawgs and family members have shuffled off this mortal coil. when i was in active addiction, that meant it was time for getting FUBAR. getting clean, of course changed that. do not get me wrong, using is ALWAYS an option for dealing with overwhelming feelings. for me anyhow, it is an option i do not exercise. i have yet to die of a feeling and do not know anyone who ever has done so. i have, however, seen others die from their reactions to a feeling, and i choose to respond rather than react. is it the easier and softer way? not by a long shot, but my experience has proven time and again, what i do not feel today, i will feel in the future and it will be much worse. ignoring the pain does not lessen it!
this afternoon, as i prepare for the social event our HOA is putting on this afternoon, i need to remind myself that i am a servant of the homeowners who elected me, not the “boss of them.” there is a discussion i need to have with my fellow members, but the event this afternoon, may not be the best place to broach the subject. i can kick that can down the road a bit.
one last thing that popped into the milieu as i was preparing myself to close this baby down., is something one of my peers shared at the meeting this morning. without going into details, i believe he is abdicating his personal power to maintain a toxic relationship. i certainly know all about that sort of behavior and just for today, i will take what power i have been given and apply it to the best of my ability to my life in the here and now.

∞ DT ∞