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and an end, is a bitter pill for me to swallow as i watch my parents **fade into the sunset.** for months i have been ignoring the situation that has been going on in their home. it may not be my fault, but my Mom has been to the Emergency Room four times since February and i have been hiding form the fact that maybe i have to step up and take a more active part in their lives. i have been in denial about the reality of their situation and selfishly distracting myself from doing anything at all, to help them out. waking up and “smelling the coffee” as it were, i am coming to believe that living by themselves in their home, may not be a tenable situation for much longer and loathe to start the conversation with my siblings about what we, as a family, need to do.
honestly, i am not good at this sort of stuff. i have not created a durable power of attorney, a living will or end of life directives. i am like Scarlett O'Hara in that sense, i will think about that tomorrow. the situation i find my parents in, makes me wonder, if they have taken any steps in that direction, or like me, they choose to ignore that at their peril. that may be a question for this afternoon, when i swing past their home and see what is up. i am also wondering how long i will have the willingness to show up on a daily basis for them, as my desire seems to be waning after just three days. that just may become something i will have to ask the POWER that fuels my recovery, to refresh, replenish and keep full.
next off the top of the stack is the sense of excitement that seems to building within me, as i look to the two days i am going to spend, “away from it all.” for thirty-six hours or so, i will be beating myself up, climbing not one, not two but three Fourteeners and staying in the Upper Arkansas valley overnight. i did not realize how “stir-crazy” the pandemic was making me, as i feel just “fine.” in reality, i want to get away for a bit and in September or October, get away from everything with my significant other and maybe a bit further than Estes Park for the weekend.
i am getting to the end of being “okay” not having the social contact that i has come as i have stayed clean and learned to live a program of recovery. life will certainly go on, and it is up to me, to eke every drop of love and joy out of it, while i still can. just for today, i will be grateful that i have my parents still around and use that modicum of gratitude to fuel my DESIRE to be a larger part of their daily lives.

∞ DT ∞