Blog entry for:

..of those who are in my life today.
although the reading was referring to death of a loved one, i am having trouble reconciling my feelings about someone who i care for deeply who, while still alive, is no longer present in my life.
i was fortunate(?) enough to experience the death of three people i cared deeply for in my first 6 months of recovery. the first died when i was barely 60 days clean and while i did not understand the enormity of my loss at that time, i did get to feel and express my grief honestly and openly for the first time in my life.
i can accept the permanence and eventuality of death, after all it is part of life, my problem is dealing with the feelings about those who are still alive but for whatever reason choose to cut themselves off from me.
i get daily reminders that my friend and ex-sponsor Mike is still around, and each time another piece of mail arrives for him, i once again get to experience my pain, anger and loss. somehow i must learn to accept and tolerate the fact that he chooses not to be part of my life and there is where i do not succeed. the anger and pain i feel have yet to build into a resentment because each day i get to work on it, and on a daily basis i can let go of the grief and accept that he is where he is. what i desire most is having him here with us again regardless of his current condition. i know that this is selfish and find it difficult to reconcile the selfless nature of this spiritual program with my selfish feelings and hence the conflict i experience.
... but it is what it is and my life will go on at least for today. what i feel i need to do is to make the most of those i love who are present in my life today and learn little by little to accept my feelings of loss and pain for those who have been taken from me.

-- JUST FOR TODAY --

-- DT --