Blog entry for:

of what is most important while it lasts.the one hing i realized when i had a bit of clean time,and became a member, was how much i missed in active addiction. the relationships i discarded or never formed, the family events i missed and the amount of resources i consumed, catering to my selfish, self-centered needs. feeding the beats that was active addiction, left me empty and when i finally came to, full of regrets. most importantly, i realized i lacked the ability to be “present” and to use the little bit of personal power i had. it was not as if, all of a sudden, i learned how to live in the here and now, no that is an ongoing process, what i finally realized was that living in a world of regrets and running around to make up for my lost time, were not the places i desired to be. for me, desire still plays a huge role in how i choose to act these days. as much as i “wish” things had been different for me, what i have come to accept is that, how i live today, each and every day, is more important than living in the shadow of my past and “what might have beens.”
this morning, the reading uses death and my feeling around death, to spring into the whole notion of making the most out of what is in my life today. a peer asked me last week why i was making such a big deal of heading North to see the eclipse, after all, it is just going to get dark and it will be almost as darkish right here. what i wanted to say, was why go to the Grand Canyon, after all it is just a huge ditch. why go to Paris? you can take a virtual reality tour from the comfort of your home. what i ended up saying, was that for me, it is important to experience the events in my life. i may not fly my Lear jet to Nova Scotia, but i am willing to drive my Honda Civic, to see a total eclipse of the sun.
these days living a life, especially one that allows me to make a choice or three on a daily basis, is more important that just getting by. i settled for darkish for far to long, when what i actually wanted was an total eclipse. part of what i am starting to see that i do have power over, is settling for “close enough.” in my personal life, in my recovery life and in my professional life, i want to extract out a total experience and not a virtual one. even though i have been trapped in my office for the most part since 9:30 Friday night i am still in a good place today, after a few hours of sleep.i feel more human and certainly not ready to get on yet another phone call and spend another day, chained to my computer. perhaps i will get free and have some time to play with my new toy, before i have to put it into action tomorrow. time will tell, right here and right now., i guess i will go move my laundry, stiffen my upper lip and play nice with the laziest most unskilled team i have ever worked with, in my life. i could dread and regret it, or i can embrace it and let things go. today i will leave that choice up in the air for the next hour or so.

∞ DT ∞