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and i know accepting that fact is part of living life on its own terms. and i am trying to think how long it has been since i last had to go through the grieving process after the death of someone i loved. as all good addicts do, i have put the details out of my memory and i have to work backwards through events that are pleasant to me to pinpoint the date of something that is unpleasant for me. interesting exercise and i have figured out that it was only a little over a year ago when my friend JIM died. i want to use the terms passed on or went to a better place, to sugarcoat the rawness of my feelings this morning but i know that this is a ruse and deceptive. the truth is he is dead and unless something miraculous happens he will not be coming back. it seems like forever ago that he died rather than a mere thirteen months and thinking back at what has happened in my life since that event i am amazed, things have certainly changed since that. even after what seems forever, i needed to walk away from writing this blog,-- shower, shave and get a haircut -- diversions from feelings.
i still feel sad when i think of this event and i still miss my friend, and hopefully neither of those feeling will go away. i know the pain he experienced as he was approaching the end, i was there every day in those final ten days, so for him death was a kindness. it is us who have survived his death that must deal with and face our own feelings about his death. and i am finally coming to the place in my life where that seems possible to do.
life does go on, and the rewards of living each day to its fullest are amazing. the biggest gift i believe i got out of Jim’s death was the ability to watch someone fade away, without withdrawing into a shell of isolation and despair. life is too precious to me today to squander away the minutes that i have, so off to the chores and into the real world!

∞ DT ∞