Blog entry for:

amend my past, and reclaim my life.
a reading about the ninth step, to ponder and wax poetically about, on this fine Saturday morning, what could be better? well ...
actually, this was one of those readings that did not apply to me for the longest time, one that i could ignore, and did in early recovery. my first sponsor told me to live the program by refusing to think about the steps ahead of where i was. and the ninth step was one of those steps that was not part of my six step program way back when.
i may sound glib about my attitudes and feelings in early recovery, but that is not the case. looking back on those days, as i often do in this particular part of my annual cycle, i am amazed that i ever managed to stay clean and get any sort of program, regardless of the external influences on my life. so today, with the advantage of hindsight, i see how absurd i was, and i am grateful that i can be more than that person who had no idea what was going on.
however i digress..
the ninth step was one of those steps that changed me so profoundly, every time i worked it, and with every single amends i have made, that i am grateful that i did not leaves before the miracle happened. i understand that the ninth step is for me, and not so much for the people, institutions and companies that i damaged in my life, in active addiction and in recovery. yes that collective gets a benefit, reparation of the damage i did, but the forgiveness i get is from the judge, jury and executioner that reside between my ears.
taking responsibility of my actions is a difficult pill to swallow, and much as i think the ninth step is an important part of my life, to this day i still hate to make amends of any sort. that distaste colors my behavior, and it seems to help me live life in a more spiritual manner. i know aversion therapy is not necessarily the best way to operate, but for this addict, it works. the only way i know of to not be accumulating a pile of amends is to live the simple program that i have been given, and today i can do that without reservation, at least right here and right now in the comfort of my own home and the privacy of my office. i will see how it goes the rest of the day ;)
so off to put this into practice ....

∞ DT ∞