Blog entry for:

...freedom from the wreckage of our past. everything i have done so far, has led me here. the thought just occurred to me that everything means EVERYTHING! not just the work i have done since i accepted recovery, but actually the very actions that led to the detritus i seek to remove as i work yet another ninth step. so i am off to an early start on this task anyhow, and for me, i guess that is a good thing. as i make amends, or an amend as the case may be, i get to learn how to forgive myself, and for me that is the most important part of this step. how could i have forgotten that when i was working with one of my sponsees yesterday, i mean DUH! well, i guess that means i had other things on my mind, and i do.
as the day of surgery draws closer, i pick-up my worries that i was able to drop into the quite capable hands of my HIGHER POWER, just a few days ago. it is not necessarily the procedure that i fear, as i finally am beginning to distill down what my misgivings are. no, it is the fear that once i start taking the pain-killing medication, i will not be able to stop, and i am sentencing myself to a life of active addiction. everything i have done to this point in my recovery will become null and void, and i will be out and running again.
what makes this possibility feel likely to me? well, for one, i have watched as numerous members with clean time, struggled with painkillers and eventually succumbed to their power, and then are in and out forever more. the ironic part is, the members who are young in recovery seem to approach this sort of life event with what they need and walk through this without a problem. so here i sit four thousand and one days clean, wondering where in that particular continuum i fit. i would like to believe that i am looking at this in a straight forward manner, and by working through my fear, i am setting-up the support i will need to move through this event and remain in recovery. however, i also understand that the person i lie the best to, is myself. so my plan? extra meetings for the next eleven days, face time with my sponsor, and the continued sharing about my misgivings with those whom i love and trust. oh yeah, most of all, praying for the strength to pick-up the tools i need, when the time is right.
what about today? well time for a work out and then into my busy week. i still need to take care of myself and support my lifestyle, and let this settle into the dull roar it needs to settle in to.

∞ DT ∞