Blog entry for:

through the guidance of the members of the fellowship, the gentle touch of the POWER that fuels my recovery and my willingness to be something more.
so yes i know that the reading was about the NINTH STEP, and it's relationship to recovery and the rest of the steps, and yes i know it is the culmination of the 4 STEPS that precede it. i also know that for me, STEP NINE, has become something more, as it has become more deeply entwined with my daily recovery program.
enough of the cheerleader and into what i heard in the very few minutes i could stop and listen this morning. it was one of those mornings where all of a sudden i had far more to do than i wanted to do and not enough time to do it in, and yet, here i am with the time to actually write something this morning. after brief trip to the kitchen to make my lunch i am back!
so the wreckage of my past has always been a HUGE issue for me. when i got here, i had dome my best to shove it so far down, for so long that it was diamond coated by the time i finally started to piece it together. in fact my first set of steps had barely scratched the surface. the second and third set were where the real healing began and i started to get a more accurate picture of how much wreckage i left in my tracks, to myself, my family, my peers, friends and associates and the world in general. no i was nothing on the scale of a natural disaster like an earthquake or a hurricane, but i was far more damaging than a single mosquito bite. part of my step work, has been to not only catalog the nature and amount of the harm i caused, but to realize what it meant in the context of the entire world as well as more locally. later thus afternoon, i may actually have the opportunity to see how much i have grown, as i am considering making the phone call i sport of agreed to make. it is important for me to be present if i decide to do so, because this is one place where the person i harmed was me, and when i think about it, there is still more than a little of bit of garbage around it, that i NEED to deal with today.
there is also this full-time job gig going on. i have still am having trouble thinking of myself as a corporate player, and although the role is a temporary one, i have a feeling that this is just the first in a long string of contracts, provided i pull this one off. part of me sees this a failure, that i was incapable of running my own business. when that voice starts to sing, i am starting to hear the counter melody over power it, saying that it was because of doing the self-employment gig, i was ABLE to step into this position and the chances of succeeding at this are good. i developed skills as well as work ethic behaviors in those years and now i can make that education pay off. this is the opportunity for me to have a bit of security and get out of the mess i put myself in. once again, returning to the theme of clearing the wreckage of my immediate past.
so anyhow, i am starting to figure out how all these facets of my life will end up coming together, and i am down to just one more thing to try and add back, my physical fitness. that is something i will work on as i move forward in this new phase of my life and my recovery, which reminds me it is time to hit the showers and get headed out. it is as my friend Joe says a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞