Blog entry for:

i can clear away the rubble of my past that still stands in the way of my spiritual progress. as i sit here this morning, i find myself at a loss for words. not all that unusual, as i have seen that this topic has done that in the past. part of what is going on, is my revelation or was it a epiphany, yesterday has started to sink in, and all the implications of what needs to happen now are becoming visible. what really sucks, is that now that i can see what damage i have been doing to myself, holding on to something that can never be with all my strength, i am stuck making an amends to myself, which is probably why i am failing at finding something to write about this morning.
i can see clearly now, that the reason i clung so hard to that particular piece of self-will, comes from wanting to be friends with everyone and be everything to everybody. yes it is true, that by and large that has been reduced to almost nothing in most instances of my life, and yet, here i sit twenty-four hours later looking at how i damaged myself waiting, no trying to force something to happen, that just could not and probably never will not be.
looking at the scorched earth this has left behind, i see that what i need to do is replant my crops and put my energies to where they will actually bear the fruit i desire. yes i was obtuse to what i was being told, namely that what i wanted out of that particular relationship was not forthcoming and is more than likely beyond the capabilities of that other person. so instead of a friend, i can live with a casual acquaintance and leave it at that. i can be present for the feelings of loss and sadness i have today, regretting what could not be, and the the anger at how long i tried to force an outcome. most of all, i can be at peace, as i no longer have to try and do anything, i can just be and allow what will happen to happen, my part is to walk away and learn that there are just going to be people in my life who lack the capability to be more than acquaintances to me. clean time is not the indicator of that capability, and it will be up to me to allow my intuition to seek out and discover who will and can be engaged in a friendship with me.
anyhow, my amends to me? dunno, but as the day progresses i am certain more will be revealed. so i can move forward with confidence that this is a great day to be clean and that the wreckage of my past can be cleared one piece detritus at a time. time to hit the streets for the big dawg workout.

∞ DT ∞