Blog entry for:

- all of them - and became willing to make them. once upon a time, when i read this, i truly believed that i would never have any amends to make, as i did not harm anyone but myself. this step like five others did not and would not apply to me, and when i finally got out of the freak show i discovered in the rooms of recovery, i would toddle along in my merry way, doing what i always did, and regretting very little. that was quite some time ago, and yet, here i am, a full-fledged member of the freak show i once derided vehemently to anyone who was not part of the recovery or justice community. to those exceptions, this was the greatest thing since i popped my cherry. even those first shallow speed steps, that comprised my first year of recovery, showed me that i had damage to clean up, amends to make and a life time of living to be changed. in those days, i was a “GOD” guy in everything but actually attending church. i had no problem with the Christian-centric nature of the fellowship i was a part of, and had the other fellowship, where the real fun was, as an outlet, creative and social. GOD had given me direction and opened my eyes to the truth, and that is the furthest it went.my borrowed spirituality kept me clean, kept me coming back and guided me to a place where using was certainly a VERY VIABLE alternative. in fact, had it not been for that other fellowship, where i really did fit, i would have used, instead that fellowship became my home, and i have drifted further and further away from the fellowship that got me clean, as there is truly very little for me there, as i am not addicted to this or that, i am an addict, plain and simple.
i however, am digressing. back to the point. yes, denial of who i was, and what my life looked life, kept me sick and fed into the ego-centric, conceited, a$$holish person i was. i actually have made amends, sometimes even in my time. each and every time, i get to make one directly, a small chink in my spiritual being is also repaired. the chinks i was incapable of seeing, way back in that other life and almost never had the chance to see, in this life. when i look back on those final days, my return to life, i do see the parallels with Dr Mannette and his release from La Bastille, broken and oblivious to who and what i was, when i walked out from the prison of active addiction, i certainly was blinded by the light and incapable of facing what lay ahead of me. bit by bit, i adapted to my new life, as i woke from the dead, i saw that time and again, i had hurt those who loved me the most, i had been a cost and burden on society and i had affected many people in a negative manner by objectifying and using them to fulfill my base desires. with the help of my first sponsor, i came to feel remorse for those actions and when given the opportunity made the amends i needed to make.
i would love to report that first list, as brief as it was, is now empty. yes, i would love to, BUT, there are still amends on there that need to be made. some will be a lifelong, some will never be made directly as the people i have harmed have shuffled off this mortal coil. some of the people i will never be able to find, and some, well i will just have to wait until they are prepared to allow me my time to make them. yes, though there may be names of people and groups still on the list, my willingness to repair that damage is undiminished. i have learned that like many of things i think are events in my life, making amends i as process, consisting of many events, and until i accepted that, i beat myself up about not doing what i needed to do. to use a phrase common to the rooms, i have found that making amends happens in “GOD's time,” not mine. speaking of time, it is time for me to get rolling on over to Boulder to do what i do most every day, make a little money and pay my way through this life. that to is an amends of sort, becoming a productive member of my society.

∞ DT ∞