Blog entry for:

now i have a chance to clean up the wreckage of my addiction, amend my past, and reclaim my life. well a bit of hyperbole there, probably not how it is toady, but the first time i reached the Ninth Step, there was without a doubt a sort of electric excitement underneath the quaking FEAR i felt. i am however, running a bit slow this morning, and to go on and on about how amazing the Ninth Step has been for me, would probably be a total bore.
so what is it i heard as i read this particular entry this morning. well it took me to a place that focused in on how i was excited about the part of the process i feel i am in right here and right now. i may be complaining about not knowing where all of this change is leading and i might be stressed about the imaginary race to complete this set of steps before my anniversary. what really is going on ids the sort of clarity i very seldom get, that crystallization of an idea that has been churning the waters for so long, that it seems i will never find my way through. since i am stuck in clichés and mixed metaphors this morning, i think i will go run and perhaps come back later and write another entry. after all, i do not want to just phone something in.

∞ DT ∞

Part 2

i have run, done a few errands, and am much clearer now about what it is i am excited about. as i went through the Ninth step in this current step cycle, i learned how to really forgive myself for the wreckage of my past. this was not the first time, so what i was looking at all happened in recovery, and man of man, did that sting. so as i finish letting things process, i have a new vision of who i am, and what i want to be as i continue to grow. first off, appearances are not everything. i no longer feel the overwhelming desire to have to look good spiritually. it has been reduced to a need that is not so overriding that i end up hurting myself in the process. secondly i am losing the desire to be everything to every one. that goes to the looking good part of me, but it goes deeper than that. it is not a bad thing to learn how to compromise, nor is it a bad thing to open my mind to new ideas, where this goes bad, at least for me, is when i do something that i feel is against who and what i am. the spiritual awakening i think i am in the process of having goes to the root of what i think about myself. sure i may appear self-confident and self-assured, but what i have uncovered is that is a mask i put on to look good. part of what i am waking up to is, that i am okay, being weird, i am okay having passion and most of all, i am okay when i do not agree or act like i agree with what is going on around me. being genuine and self-aware is p[art of the vision of the man i want to be, and as i march towards Step 12, i am seeing that vision can come true. so it is time to sign-off for today, with that thought in my head. if i want to be more, i have to allow it to happen, one day at a time.