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i have got love all figured out . . . if only that were true! well that line is always good for a chuckle. yes, i do have a minute clean, 14,178,240 of them as a matter of fact, give or take a few. even so, i stumble and bumble when it comes to love, especially unconditional love. what i am quite sure of, however, is that i do not have a limit on my ability to give and receive love and love is not transactional: i can love whether it is returned or not. i also get the little allusion the headline of my source material makes to one of the parts of the promise that drives the fellowship in which i find myself. a new way to love, replacing a new way to (love) live, how i missed that a year ago is beyond me.
this morning, as i sat, i felt a touch of sadness for being pissed off at my Mom as she died and never really allowing myself to let her know how much i loved her. her passing felt more like an inconvenience to me, as i had plans to go to Africa a day later. after letting go of my resentment and finally forgiving her for just being her, i am now starting to grieve, i guess. i can say, she taught me how to be cold, heartless and isolated and i choose to no longer fill those shoes. i am striving to be more loving, caring and present for those who are left in my life.
it also reminded me of a conversation i had with a sponsee yesterday after our home group meeting. i let him know that for every action i choose to take there is a payoff, especially those that arise out of my character defects. pain just might be what i was looking for, at least back in the days before i learned to love and esteem myself and found out that i had worth. now pain reminds me that perhaps, i ought not go down that road and to make a better choice, as i no longer require a cat-o-nine-tails with which to beat myself up. i am healthier than that today and that is because there were members here who taught i am worthy of being loved and who loved me, despite being a fucking shit, until i learned that for myself.

∞ DT ∞