โก freedom from โก
Posted: Tue, Aug 25, 2015 10:16:01 AM
the wreckage of my past.
well, well, well, not sure what to write this morning as so much has happened since i last read this, as in 3.5 hours ago and i have far too much going on now. trying to pay attention to work. trying to get stuff from my old computer to me new one. trying to write this and not being present for anything at all. time to put everything else aside and concentrate on this.
task one put away, no more paying attention to file transfer.
task two: work can wait
thinking about the amends process and how it has gone for me, is interesting. the first time through i just made societal and familial amends, because of the shallow nature of how i worked that set of steps. in fact, now that i look at it, i was less than honest with my sponse and myself about what needed to be done and to whom. the next three sets poof steps rectified that situation, and although i would love to blame my very first sponse, for my failures. this is the simple truth: i was just faking it until i made it, and it nearly ended up killing me.
today, well today, i can see that it was my dishonesty with myself that nearly killed me, not the wrong fellowship, or an inattentive sponsor. i did not want recovery in those first 18 months. i did not believe i needed recovery and all i was doing was going through the motions to keep up with the Joneses. what a difference a few days make. today, i am certain that i am an addict, today i want and NEED recovery and today, i am grateful for a way of living that far exceeds my wildest “pipe” dreams.
so what does freedom from my past really mean to me today? well it does not mean that i can forget or ignore my past, as that is what made me the person i am today. nor does it mean that the person who did all those things in that past was a bad person. what i am feeling today, is that my past is a valuable tool that no longer rules my daily life. sure, as is the case with my current employment, it was a road block to getting the job i wanted, when i WANTED it, but in the long run, that too was settled to my satisfaction as i am at home working today.
anyhow, i do need to get back to that task, after all they are paying me very well, and it is a great day to be in the here and now.
well, well, well, not sure what to write this morning as so much has happened since i last read this, as in 3.5 hours ago and i have far too much going on now. trying to pay attention to work. trying to get stuff from my old computer to me new one. trying to write this and not being present for anything at all. time to put everything else aside and concentrate on this.
task one put away, no more paying attention to file transfer.
task two: work can wait
thinking about the amends process and how it has gone for me, is interesting. the first time through i just made societal and familial amends, because of the shallow nature of how i worked that set of steps. in fact, now that i look at it, i was less than honest with my sponse and myself about what needed to be done and to whom. the next three sets poof steps rectified that situation, and although i would love to blame my very first sponse, for my failures. this is the simple truth: i was just faking it until i made it, and it nearly ended up killing me.
today, well today, i can see that it was my dishonesty with myself that nearly killed me, not the wrong fellowship, or an inattentive sponsor. i did not want recovery in those first 18 months. i did not believe i needed recovery and all i was doing was going through the motions to keep up with the Joneses. what a difference a few days make. today, i am certain that i am an addict, today i want and NEED recovery and today, i am grateful for a way of living that far exceeds my wildest “pipe” dreams.
so what does freedom from my past really mean to me today? well it does not mean that i can forget or ignore my past, as that is what made me the person i am today. nor does it mean that the person who did all those things in that past was a bad person. what i am feeling today, is that my past is a valuable tool that no longer rules my daily life. sure, as is the case with my current employment, it was a road block to getting the job i wanted, when i WANTED it, but in the long run, that too was settled to my satisfaction as i am at home working today.
anyhow, i do need to get back to that task, after all they are paying me very well, and it is a great day to be in the here and now.
∞ DT ∞