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many of my peers speak of their lives in active addiction as being **owned by dope.** i totally get where they are coming from, and i can use that term without prejudice myself. it was quick, it was easy and it certainly explained a lot, for quite some time. as a few days clean pile up, i am coming to see, that simplicity, as nice as it makes it, is sometimes not quite enough. sure i “used against my will” and the manifestation of addiction that brought me to the recovery was my uncontrollable use of drugs, HOWEVER, it has been a few days since i had the desire to use, so why in the world would i live with that sort of boogie man. the reading speaks of reclamation of my life through the process of steps, specifically STEP NINE, but it also speaks to the chain of events that led up to the point where i was ready, willing and capable of going back and repairing the damage that i had done in active addiction as well since i got clean. so living in the FEAR of relapse is far from reclaiming my life.
i have come to see that addiction , at least for me, claimed more of my life than i ever cared to admit. once the burden of using every day was lifted from me, there whole swaths of territory in my life that my self-centered and selfish persona, had laid waste to. surveying that damage, to myself and to others, was far from a pleasant experience, but as i see what comes of that process, i get more of my life back, even parts that i never believed i had, such as the ability to care for myself and for others. part of the reclamation project has been to forgive myself for what i had done in the past and remove the regrets about the time and resources i gave over to feeding my addiction.
i had a whole lot more to say today, but right here and right now, i am so pissed off about someone asking me to do their job for them, i have lost any sense of spiritual principles to practice. i will end with this, iam grateful not to be owned by dope, but even more grateful that i do not have to live a life of active addiction today. relapse may or may not be just over the horizon, but just for today will do my b est to APPLY these principles in my life.

∞ DT ∞