Blog entry for:

freedom to live was not a consequence of getting clean, i had ever considered. in fact the life i have today was never even on the radar as a desire for me, after all who wants to have a home, a loving partnership with a spouse, a career and a job that they actually enjoy doing. that stuff was for “normies” and could never, ever be mine. sitting here this morning, trying to figure out what to write to a man who to say the least is very recalcitrant to ask for help. as a result of his stubborn insistence that Jesus would keep him clean, he is clean, but sitting in county jail until November, due to his lack of FAITH in the program of recovery that i helped him get grounded within.
that is not an uncommon pattern in the world of recovering addicts. once the consequences of uncontrolled using are ameliorated, self-will takes over and the next thing that happens is my ass is once again in a sling. although i do not share his spiritual path, i finally realized that FAITH in a HIGHER POWER would never be enough for me to stay clean, and yes recover from addiction, in all its various forms. i saw that it was up to me to get over my bad self and learn to be comfortable in meetings, by showing up, even when i felt like an outsider. i had to learn how to be okay with not knowing what was going to happen and surrender, body and soul to a manner of living that included living up to my responsibilities and addressing the pain and suffering i caused. i am certain that there are more than a few people out there who feel that i may “owe” them an amends, and perhaps i do. i know that to the best of my ability i have addressed the damage i have done and more importantly learned to live in a manner that reduces that damage.
where i am going with my letter this morning, is probably a reintroduction to who i am and what i am about. if i allow myself to dwell in what did not happen and the excuses one makes for justify past behaviors, i am no better off than my sponsee who is a guest at the Boulder Count Sheriff's Bed and Breakfast. i will also strongly suggest that he take a look at himself and decide one and for all, what he really wants from this life. it is not my intent to shame him, humiliate him or otherwise make him do anything he does not want to do. i do need him to ask for my help and to take the responsibility to set the direction that help will take. i guess i have my answer, nudge someone into taking the actions they need to take for themselves and surrender any expectations into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞