Blog entry for:

that is blocking my path to becoming the person, i have always wanted to be. a reading about the NINTH STEP when i am approaching another clean date anniversary is always a great reminder of what i still need to do. actually when it comes to making amends i am petty clear about my direction there. the nice part about being in “active recovery” and not just “around” for a bit of time, is that i have actually worked four NINTH STEPS and do a daily TENTH STEP, is that that rubble, at least when it comes to the harm i do to others has mostly been cleared. that does not mean that i am amends free, but when i get to STEP EIGHT, will be ready to look at that once again.
the rubble that i seemed trapped behind these days, are the stories i have told myself for far too long. those stories have defined who i am since before i even used for the first time and often feel as if they are the foundation of who i am. although i have been chipping around at the edges of this seemingly immutable barrier to becoming who i really desire to be, there days when it feels futile and just not worth the effort. today is NOT one of those days, for which i am thankful.
most of that stuff that has congealed into the foundation of who i was, is based in my FEAR of being “different” and even when i pretended i did not care how different i may have looked, those stories based on the misinterpretation of the evidence at hand, became more “true.” or better put, became easier to me to believe than work at seeking the evidence to disprove those assertions. little by little, they were laid down and as active addiction added its own layers of garbage down, they remained hidden from my view. working a few rounds of steps, has gotten me to the place i once assumed was bedrock. now it is time to use a bit of spiritual dynamite and a jackhammer to start the demolition of that seemingly impenetrable barrier. now that i am building the FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will care for my will and my life, perhaps it is time to prepare to move on to STEP FOUR, or at least finish my writing about STEP THREE and see where i am when that is completed. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to consider myself worth the effort of finding out who i really am, just for today.

∞ DT ∞