Blog entry for:

one thing i firmly believed when i first got clean that i was an independent type of person. as my friends and family withdrew from me, this belief became even stronger, i absolutely needed nothing or no one from the outside for anything especially not a GOD of my understanding! i was an island and their withdrawal was the evidence that my belief was valid.
it was quite a shock to come to a program where i was required to form dependencies on myth and other members. after all was i not running my life well enough on my own? could you all not see how complete i was just the way i was? maybe this GOD thing was needed by the more fragile, insecure people of this world but not for me.
well over time and at great reluctance i learned to shed my invalid belief system and explore the possibility that i cannot do this myself. today i firmly believe that ability to stay clean and recover comes directly from the GOD of my understanding and is exercised through the people i encounter on a daily basis. not only can i not do this recovery trip myself, i never could even do life. GOD has been helping all along the way and gave me the push i needed to seek recovery. my favorite line in the reading this morning was

i will depend on the love and inner strength drawn from the GOD of my understanding

perfect in its simplicity and powerful in its subtlety. the implications that within me i have the strength to get through whatever life happens to throw at me today. but the source of that love and inner strength comes from the outside, from a concept that grows less exact and more mysterious each passing day. i am relearning the mythos of the divine and coming to not only believe but accept that without this kind and loving source i will die, spiritually, emotionally and physically. a condition not far removed from the sorry state i was in when I walked into the rooms. today i want to grow and stay clean NO MATTER WHAT and you know for me that is a good thing.
--DT--