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i could not humble MYSELF to ask for or trust others to give, certainly comes from some source outside of me. many of my peers call that source GOD and this morning i just may use that term as a substitute for the POWER that fuels my recovery, for brevity and because i am feeling a bit lazy. just to be clear, i do not actually here the voice of GOD in my head, nor have i ever seen a burning bush accompanied by a booming and thunderous voice, strongly suggesting that i follow a certain course of action. i also do not hear a “small,quiet” voice when i sit in the morning to start my day. i am just saying, that is not my experience and others are free to express “how” they get direction, in any words that fit their experience, i am not here to judge. i also do not humble or abase myself in position or attitude when i pray, as that is not even the slightest requirement in following the spiritual path that i have come to find. with all those caveats and disclaimers behind, i can finally move into what i actually “heard” this morning.
some of my peers speak of having to break down their ego, in order to live a program of active recovery. while it is certainly true that i have, at times, had an over-inflated fantastical notion of my relative worth, i do not believe that i need to be torn down to accept this manner of living. “right-sizing” my ego is a natural progression as my needs to have all of my desires fulfilled right now, is stripped from me. bit by bit, as the layers of unmitigated shit are discarded, i am coming to see myself in a whole new light. when i commenced my day, today, what i felt was a bit of awe for the power to stay clean once again, just for today. yes, that power is GOD given and i have no problem with that notion in any form. in fact i ask GOD for that power every single day. the awe part comes from the fact that it is granted and there do not appear to be any strings attached to that boon. i get to stay clean, because i ask for the power to stay clean.
as i pile up the days, staying clean is really not nearly as heinous as i once thought it was, in fact i have a pretty damn good life, because i stay clean. i allow myself to feel the will of GOD, because i have learned what it is i am seeking. i have become willing and open-minded enough to take direction from those whom i would have never respected, back in the day. i do not know where the next thing i “need” to hear and heed may come from, so i have to stay awake and pay attention to all that happens in any given day. today, i have many tasks ahead of me and am not cringing at the notion that in time i may feel a bit overwhelmed. i have confidence that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me the opportunity to do find all that i need to complete all that i need to complete, in this slice of time. my job is to allow myself the FREEDOM to “listen.”

∞ DT ∞