Blog entry for:

it is the love we were afraid to depend on others for. today, i am grateful to have a Higher Power to depend on. so as i sit here this morning, wondering which way to go, off into the chilly morning to get my morning workout done, or tied to the keyboard getting a bit of work accomplished while waiting for the chill to lift, i am struck with an unfamiliar feeling. i want to say that it is gratitude, and that may be. i want to say that is a feeling of being connected to something more, and that may be also. and maybe it it is love, i do know that whatever it is i am feeling this morning, it is the result of the step work i have been doing and the progress forward i am making in my spiritual path. i made the attempt to start my third and final unpleasant conversation yesterday, and as i knew this would be the most difficult i left it to last. this was also the one conversation i was most unwilling to have, and one where i am clueless as to the outcome. which of course makes things a whole lot worse. the rest of my conversations, happened exactly as i thought they would, and that is spooky, to be able to see into the hearts of others with such accuracy, is an ability that i have probably always had, and one that probably was my best weapon when i was out and about in my active addiction. THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN… seems to have some sort of sense, that it is an ability i will need to keep, as it has yet to be removed, or perhaps i have yet to allow it to be removed.
but anyhow, where was i, oh yeah dealing with the feeling i have this morning -- gratitude, connection, love, self-assurance, and certainty. quite a boatload of feelings all wrapped up in one. as i think over the past ninety-six hours or so, i can see why and how i have come to this state. as my path forward becomes clearer, i am certain to have to draw on the lessons of the past few days. the most important lesson? that i can start to really trust what i am feeling, that as a result of the loving guidance provided to me by that POWER, through my sponsors and other members of the fellowship, my intuition is becoming something i can trust and not the enemy that it was when i first came to recovery. and the weird part of this, is that my sponsor told me that this would come to pass, that my first thought would not necessarily be wrong. so as i grow, and as i discover who i am becoming, i understand that those things that i though i needed in the past are no longer needed by me, and that relationships that i once depended upon may have become less than healthy for me. and best of all, my world view and my place in it will alter based on the nature of my internal landscape. so where does that leave me? well ready to go brave the nip in the air, and face another day in recovery.

∞ DT ∞