รท the price i paid for the illusory and fleeting freedom that using gave me รท
Posted: Sun, Oct 7, 2012 10:46:06 AM
was a dependence beyond my worst nightmares. rather than freeing me, active addiction enslaved me.
man oh man, some addicts cannot let go. even after the reading yesterday, the addict that i mentioned, has turned their anger into a resentment, and while i understand that and even empathize with that, it is NOT a place i want to go today. being dependent on my seething anger, is not all that much different than being dependent on my next fix, and keeps me from being present. how would i know, BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT and IT SUCKED!
back to the topic at hand:
ADDICTION and my uncontrollable use of substances IS NOT FREEDOM!
what a simple fact to remember, when my decision-making process kicks in, after all, it has been said that addicts as a class do not consistently make good decisions. was my decision to finish my silly computer game and stay up to 12:30 last night a good one? perhaps. it was however not as bad as some of the decisions i have made over the past week and did not kill me or even set me back. was my decision to do a bit of light housekeeping before i jumped in the shower, and yes before i even started this a good decision? more than likely it was, as the little bit i did do, is that much less that needs to be done later. the biggest and more correct decision i made today, was to apply the core of my FAITH and stay clean today, with all its attendant details. yes i decided when i got up, to depend on the POWER that fuels my recovery to keep me clean today. what does that mean? i decided to ask for and ACCEPT the power to live today without the use of drugs from that POWER. although i may not win fantasy football today, the bronco may suffer the slings and arrows of ignominious defeat in New England and i will not make it the Sunday night meeting tonight, I CAN STAY CLEAN, by depending on the POWER that fuels my recovery. back in the day? well let's just say, that i rarely saw 9:00 SAM on a Sunday morning, unless, i had yet to pass out. was the freedom from reality and my feelings really worth the price i paid. not having the FREEDOM to choose, even though the substances i depended upon did not leave my “dope sick”, i still physically craved their promised release, all i had to do was…
when i look at it that way, there really is not a whole lot romance there. the wasted days and nights of my life, my spent youth, my inability to finish anything and my lack of any meaningful relationships were just a small sampling of the things i gladly traded away to the dependence i had and i did so willingly and without any reservations. and yet, there is a part of me that longs to go to those simpler, happier times, and that part is fVcking INSANE!
alrighty then, the last distraction and interruption to this process is done and the time has come to sprint to the end. yes, i have a second wind and yes i know using cheesy athletic metaphors is, well, just plain lazy.
all of that being said, you know as i finish my thoughts here, there is a sense of peace and security and yes even gratitude that i no longer NEED to depend on what is in front of me, to help me make it through my day. no, today, i depend on the influence of the POWER that fuels my recovery, when i take the time to listen, or when as it happens on most days, my a$$ ends up in a sling again, to what the next right thing, just happens to be. right here and right now, finish this off, jump into the shower, head to the store and finish my weekly household stuff. today is a good day yo depend on a HIGHER POWER as expressed through the program of recovery that ghas give me thousands of days FREE from the grip of drugs.
man oh man, some addicts cannot let go. even after the reading yesterday, the addict that i mentioned, has turned their anger into a resentment, and while i understand that and even empathize with that, it is NOT a place i want to go today. being dependent on my seething anger, is not all that much different than being dependent on my next fix, and keeps me from being present. how would i know, BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT and IT SUCKED!
back to the topic at hand:
ADDICTION and my uncontrollable use of substances IS NOT FREEDOM!
what a simple fact to remember, when my decision-making process kicks in, after all, it has been said that addicts as a class do not consistently make good decisions. was my decision to finish my silly computer game and stay up to 12:30 last night a good one? perhaps. it was however not as bad as some of the decisions i have made over the past week and did not kill me or even set me back. was my decision to do a bit of light housekeeping before i jumped in the shower, and yes before i even started this a good decision? more than likely it was, as the little bit i did do, is that much less that needs to be done later. the biggest and more correct decision i made today, was to apply the core of my FAITH and stay clean today, with all its attendant details. yes i decided when i got up, to depend on the POWER that fuels my recovery to keep me clean today. what does that mean? i decided to ask for and ACCEPT the power to live today without the use of drugs from that POWER. although i may not win fantasy football today, the bronco may suffer the slings and arrows of ignominious defeat in New England and i will not make it the Sunday night meeting tonight, I CAN STAY CLEAN, by depending on the POWER that fuels my recovery. back in the day? well let's just say, that i rarely saw 9:00 SAM on a Sunday morning, unless, i had yet to pass out. was the freedom from reality and my feelings really worth the price i paid. not having the FREEDOM to choose, even though the substances i depended upon did not leave my “dope sick”, i still physically craved their promised release, all i had to do was…
when i look at it that way, there really is not a whole lot romance there. the wasted days and nights of my life, my spent youth, my inability to finish anything and my lack of any meaningful relationships were just a small sampling of the things i gladly traded away to the dependence i had and i did so willingly and without any reservations. and yet, there is a part of me that longs to go to those simpler, happier times, and that part is fVcking INSANE!
alrighty then, the last distraction and interruption to this process is done and the time has come to sprint to the end. yes, i have a second wind and yes i know using cheesy athletic metaphors is, well, just plain lazy.
all of that being said, you know as i finish my thoughts here, there is a sense of peace and security and yes even gratitude that i no longer NEED to depend on what is in front of me, to help me make it through my day. no, today, i depend on the influence of the POWER that fuels my recovery, when i take the time to listen, or when as it happens on most days, my a$$ ends up in a sling again, to what the next right thing, just happens to be. right here and right now, finish this off, jump into the shower, head to the store and finish my weekly household stuff. today is a good day yo depend on a HIGHER POWER as expressed through the program of recovery that ghas give me thousands of days FREE from the grip of drugs.
∞ DT ∞