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i will would need to tap a POWER greater than myself. the question than becomes, do i really want to be restored to sanity? after thinking about the speaker i heard on Saturday night, finding a place to be restored to, would be difficult for me, as i can see that some of the traits of the part of me i call ADDICTION GO WAY, WAY, WAY BACK. choosing the spot in my life where i was sane, would take a great deal of effort, and you know what i am lazy, so i will just let that rest on its own, after all, i can have FAITH that i WILL be restored to sanity, without knowing where that final destination happens to be.
which brings me to a new and different theme of sorts, that of FAITH. working with a sponsee over the weekend, listening to what poured through my fingers on to the internet. and hearing what i want to share and have shared over the past few days, brings me smack dab into FAITH. one of the lessons i learned over the weekend, is that this gig works for me, because i have FAITH that it will work. the whole chicken and egg argument, although it started working for me, long before i had any FAITH that it would. sitting next to someone who has been around the program for 25 years and yet does not even have six months clean, this time, brought home the idea, that when i allow a single program to be my guide, i get the gift of recovery. she was headstrong and so certain about what she knew, that it really was quite sad. i wanted to say, “listen here, you are telling me what you think you need, when you cannot seven stay clean for a year? seriously, it may be time to surrender, get a sponsor who understands the difference between being powerless over a substance and powerless over addiction, and do whatever it takes.”
that is exactly what it took for me. i had to leave a fellowship that focused on a substance, because for me, in the short and long run, it was not about what and how much i used, but something so much more basic, that i could not see it for all the smoke and mirrors created by my focusing on what it was i was using. what that ,means for me today, is that IF i want what i saw at the convention this weekend, THAN i need to do what they did, one day at a time. so off to the showers and over to work i go. it is a great day to be clean and have the means to support myself and be supported at the same time. i am grateful for the dependence i have developed on the POWER that fuels my recovery, as it is expressed through the members i share my recovery with today.

∞ DT ∞