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i DO NOT want to depend on anyone or anything, and especially not on GOD. my desire to be independent and self-sufficient, has led to my near demise more than once in my life and certainly more than once in my journey from active addiction.
the core poof this belief goes to my lack of TRUST and FAITH, two spiritual principles that were unfamiliar to me, when i got clean. no matter how long i seem to stay clean, i seem to always come back to this spot. it could be my authority complex that is art the root of my desire not to trust or have any sort of FAITH. it is that complex that is certainly the driving force behind my desire to rebel, after all how many time can i say, “you are not the boss of me,” before i finally start to believe it?
i mean really, sometimes i feel like a 14 year old kid going through puberty again. so when it comes to seeing the reality of that situation i get angry, moody and throw a petulant tantrum, all because i want the world to see how grown up i am, when i am still just a kid at heart. if i look at it seriously, spiritually i am a teenager. those kind folks in treatment gave me this understanding, that emotional growth, stopped that first time i got high, and that as a result when i got to recovery, i had to start where i left off, emotionally anyhow. which would make me a 20 something adult emotionally. spiritually is an entirely different issue. i was born into a spiritual life, when i finally made the DECISION to recover and not when i GOT clean. which fits with how i feel in this respect. that means i am 13 years old spiritually and boy if my spiritual teenage years were anything like my physical ones, i am in for a bumpy ride. there is a bit of HOPE in regards to this whole issue this morning. at least i have some emotional maturity to temper my reactions to my spiritual growth spurts. at least i have the cadre and concern of those who love me, within my recovery circle. my friends and family. at least there are those who have walked this path before and have the experience to lend a hand when i just do not get it. most importantly at least i HAVE a working relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery, that can lend me the strength i NEED to make it through the rough spiritual patches that may be a part of my journey.
so yes, i can be a rebel, and i may not have many clues, BUT i know there is a way of living that can and will provide me the direction i need, and as much as i want to resist, assimilation is inevitable. there certainly are better ways to spend my energy than rebelling against what i KNOW is the best path for me to take. so off to then trenches i go, reminding myself that i CAN allow myself to depend on the POWER that fuels my recovery today.

∞ DT ∞