Blog entry for:

from the things around me to a HIGHER POWER and the inner strength i receive from that relationship. today, for some reason i was up way earlier than i needed to be. instead of fighting it, i decided to go with the flow and get cracking, so after two hours, the time has come to pause and write what is on my heart. no i did not write my assignment last night, nor did i call my sponsor, so it goes. i did work with a sponsee, and get to a meeting, and actually shared. i am still feeling a bit off, spiritually that is. i know that this too shall pass, so on that note i think i will launch into what i heard this morning.
part of me, think it sucks that i have had to switch being dependent on substances and behaviors to being dependent on a HIGHER POWER. i understand that is a much healthier dependence but it still irks me on some level. i though getting clean and working a program of active recovery, would make me something more like independent. i get that when i was using, i lived in a haze of denial, and that recovery strips that away when i allow it to happen, i also get that i was looking for something, someone, or some substance to fill that part of me, that was empty. that so-called GOD shaped hole, that exists within people like me. i had a notion last night after hearing another member share, that STEP THREE is all about getting out of the way and allowing a HIGHER POWER to fill that void, self-will is what keeps that from happening. as i grow, i an strengthen my connection through that very void, by applying the rest of the steps in their proper order and with the same diligence i practiced as a using addict, trying to get what i though i needed to fill that space within. looking at it in that sense, i can see that i was always dependent, and the chances of me becoming independent are practically nil, in fact that is probably more of a human condition than one reserved for addicts, i, as an addict just feel it more deeply and do whatever i can to get rid that emptiness. whatever dude!
today, i want to let go and allow that POWER to fill me with what i need. i will probably be getting a call from a friend who has decided that the consequences of being an active addict was worth the chance of engaging in risky behavior. well, those consequences came down upon him with a vengeance, and if his partner in crime does not watch out, she too will be spending some time as a ward of the county and the state. me, i am going to start over on the problem i was frustrated with yesterday and see if i can get it solved. it is a good day to allow a HIGHER POWER to fill that void and to proclaim my gratitude about being dependent on a source that is without limits to provide for me, what i am incapable or unwilling to do myself. off to the salt mines i go!

∞ DT ∞