Blog entry for:

of personal direction that i lacked in active addiction and for a long time, once i got clean, is certainly one of the benefits i receive from the POWER that fuels my recovery. these days, that sense of direction allows me to see where i am headed and help me retrace my steps back to the path i really want to be walking upon. what i have tripped across in the past few days, is my reluctance to allow someone who has been outside of my life for decades, to find their way in. the innocuous questions they ask, while ignoring the HUGE ELEPHANT in the room, feeds my anger, and disappointment and as a result, i fly into their day, do what they could easily do for themselves and fly out, as quickly and quietly as possible. i realize that being angry and disappointed is my stuff and it is the result of my unmet expectations. i also realize that carrying the load of that anger is not doing a whole lot for my well-being, e=when i could quite easily surrender it into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and let it go. wanting more but settling for less, has been the story of my life, and today, i will no longer settle for “good enough.”
switching gears, last night as i walked into a meeting, i saw literally ran into someone with whom i was struggling to define our relationship. he was quick to say that he was good because he had been at “another 'A'” meeting. i am not sure why he felt the need to say that, not am i going to lay awake at nights analyzing that relationship. it surprised me that he was in my home town as the last i heard he was living over in Boulder. ironically, that he felt the need to excuse himself from the meeting i was about to enter, as he could have just rode away on his bike and pretended he did not who i was, as i certainly was clueless as to his identity, until he pulled down his mask.
for me, i made a commitment to show up at that meeting on a more regular basis and as i sat there last night, i was grateful that i could honor that commitment, as that particular meeting has been part of my recovery journey from the very beginning. after the mandatory disconnection from my peers in recovery, i was feeling a bit adrift, as it were. remote meetings were okay and in fact they allowed me to attend more meetings a week, simply because i could do so, without having to leave work. those meetings, however, never quite gave me the connection i desired and just getting by, was okay, in those times. i now know that i can reach for and achieve more, when i apply myself and part of that application, is returning to the outside world once again and becoming part of the fellowship that has given me the desire to be more than adequate, just for today.

∞ DT ∞