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is second nature to me, most of the time. coming from a place of being a Doubting Thomas, it is not a far stretch to say i certainly rebelled against any sort of HIGHER POWER controlling and managing my life. to grow-up enough to even begin to allow the notion that there may be some POWER that was fueling my recovery, is quite a feat, at least for this addict. where once i thought that my peers were lazy because they just “accepted” what seemed to be spoon-fed to them, without any questions, i can feel today that their journey to the place i am in, was just a whole lot shorter than mine. i still am not one of those who believes in fate, predestination or a HIGHER POWER that has a “plan” for me and my life, BUT i know that something is keeping me clean and allows me the opportunity to gather what i need on a daily basis. depending on that POWER to stay clean today, is one of the easiest tasks of my day.
moving on to what is going on inside my head today. i have a sponsee who is in the care of the Colorado Department of Corrections, who has become suicidal. i have a sponsee who seems to be just “phoning in” his step work and i have lots of sponsees who are out there on their own. some i hear from, others i do not. what came up for me this morning, is that they too have a HIGHER POWER that they can depend on, and it is not my place to drag them by the short hairs along the road of recovery. it is up to me to provide guidance when asked, comfort when needed and an example of how to do this gig in these divided and plague-filled times. i cannot and certainly will not try and “save” any of the men i sponsor. consigning them to the care of a HIGHER POWER, as they understand one, is one of the hardest things i ask myself to do, and yet, for my own sanity and serenity, it is an action i must take on a daily basis. and so it goes…
as i wrap this up and prepare to get some steps in, i have come to a place where questioning what i see, is a good thing. rebelling just because that is the way i have always done things, not so much. i have been given a fairly comfortable life, through my own efforts and because the POWER that fuels my recovery has given me the strength to wake up clean, one more day. just for today, i will let go of what i cannot change and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞