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the beauty of using, is that it gave me the power to be and feel anything i wanted. the price i paid was a dependence beyond my worst nightmares. of course one could say that trading a dependence on drugs and getting high, for a dependence on something that is beyond description may not seem a very intelligent choice. and perhaps it is not....
...however, the real truth of the matter is, i was never a totally ‘independent operator’. the illusion of my lack of dependence was just that, an illusion that i created in my own head to hide the fact of how dependent i really was. the use of drugs, allowed to maintain this illusion far beyond any healthy, rational or intelligent limits. so exactly what does this trip down ‘DUH’ lane have to do with allowing myself to become dependent on a POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF? well for one thing, in my little head it sets a line in the sand between the day i was merely abstinent, and the day i finally accepted recovery as a manner of living that i could choose to live. since the day that i made that decision, i have learned that i am truly not some sort of independent wheeler and dealer, and if i look at my life honestly i am more dependent on things outside of me than i ever wanted to admit. after all, i do not farm, so i am dependent on the entire food industry to create, raise, ship and package the food i NEED to eat to remain alive. that industry is dependent on the oil companies to provide the means to fertilize, and transport their products so that i can buy them. i could continue, but the point i am trying to drive home for me this morning, is that independence of any sort is an illusion that needs to be dispelled for this addict. just as i am dependent on outside forces to provide the physical sustenance i require, i have come to realize i also need to acknowledge my dependence on outside forces to provide for my spiritual well being and growth. that force is the POWER that keeps me clean, and does provide me the means to continue my spiritual growth. whatever my term du jour happens to be to name that power, it is an unchanging primal force that fuels my recovery. much as i would like to dismiss that POWER away, as i grow in recovery, the evidence of existence of that POWER continues to build up and dismissal becomes a less plausible explanation day by day.
i do believe that i will allow that POWER to provide me what i need today, which is mostly the ability not to use no matter what, and guidance in how to live this day to the best of my ability. and on that note i will dependently say tata for now!

∞ DT ∞