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from the GOD of my understanding. what an interesting concept. there was once a time when i i could not depend on anything except maybe the sun would rise every morning. i had built the illusion that somehow i was independent of everyone and everything including myself. shit just happened and all i could do was try and control the fallout.
i had already proved to myself that i was not dependable, time and time again i had failed to provide myself the willpower to quit drugs, finish projects or get through the day without at least one juicy rationalization or justification for behaviors that were outside my moral code.
of course other people were not dependable either. dealers were late or would fail to provide me what i needed. my family let me spin into the abyss of active addiction and were unable to provide the means to escape. my employers enabled me to continue the slide by paying me for showing up. and the friends i had left were unreliable and untrustworthy, they would stab me in my back if i showed any weakness or openings.
and then there was that mythical &lsquot;god’, how could i depend on a mythical being who was ready to send me into eternal suffering for my transgressions. and of course i was the victim of this undependable chain.
today however i have come to depend on the members of the fellowship that gave me a new life. they were the first people who recognized what was wrong with me and show me a way of life that was more than i ever dreamed was possible. through their careful nurturing and loving example. i learned to let go of my old ideas. open my mind and develop a concept of a POWER GREATER THAN ME, that could keep me clean and more than anything else, provide the resources i needed to develop and maintain my new way of life. i grew to depend on GOD for all those skills and abilities that were beyond my apparent capabilities and once again, i could start to see myself as a dependable person. honestly, i am not seeking dependence on self but it is nice to know that i have become dependable thanks to the inner strength i draw from GOD as needed. i depend on the suggestions of my sponsor and those who have gone before me to continue my personal growth. i depend on my peers to provide the insight about myself that i sorely lack. and all this dependence is no longer equivalent to weakness in my mind. that fact, in of itself, is a miracle and more than enough reason to keep coming back, at least just for today!
:) DT :)