Blog entry for:

the total honesty of intimacy often brings its own complications, but the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings is well worth the effort.
this topic is without a doubt one of the most frightening to me. the doors within me that need to be opened, so that i can practice intimacy were ones that i locked very early in life, then barred them, then chained them, and finally threw away the keys. when i came to recovery, i was not willing to even begin to search for those keys to begin the process of opening up the doors into my soul that would reveal who i truly am. i am certain my first sponsor realized this and as he guided me through the steps back in those days, the willingness to open up and let myself see who i am, and let others see me for who i am grew, bit by bit.
my experience along the journey to where i am today, has yielded mixed results. letting others see me for who i am, has generated some very deep and meaningful relationships. unfortunately it has also generated more than a few animosities. each time that intimacy explodes in my face, my instant reaction is to start to believe that perhaps it is better to hide true self in those shadows and return to the days of being the chameleon that adapted myself to fit the situation. the final result of that particular line of action will eventually be my return to active addiction, and for that is an unacceptable path to travel. so what i attempt to do, to the best of my ability, is to allow for the human condition in myself and others, and realize that it is quite impossible for me to be well liked by everyone who happens to be a part of my life. tolerate that there are parts of the real me, that not everyone, will find redeeming or attractive. and learn to accept that any relationship is at best a crap shoot, there are risks and rewards, and the results are never guaranteed. that line of though and living is quite contrary to what i came to recovery with, and is still more than a bit daunting for me. however, today, right here and right now, i am willing to roll the dice and see what happens, because it has also been my experience in recovery, that if i do not reveal who i really am, i end-up with relationships that are far from healthy. and i already have enough of those left over from the days of active addiction, i do not need to add anymore!

∞ DT ∞