Blog entry for:

to be completely and consistently honest with all those with whom i share my life: friends, loved ones and yes even my peers, is certainly one that pays off, regardless of how high the toll i pay to continue to travel on that path. before i get started on the “negative” and “positive” aspects of intimacy, i really have to issue this caveat: when i use either of those terms, when i make that particular binary judgement, it means that i find the consequences to be to my liking, or not. most of the time i attempt to avoid that demarcation, but i am after all, only human and DESIRE is inherent within who i am and drives many of my behaviors, especially my judgement machinery. allowing others to see the “real me,” is certainly a spooky and fraught with peril, sort of activity. armed with that knowledge, i can certainly move into what i heard this morning.
it is now the start of my fifth day of no nicotine in any form and yesterday was i was fine, until i ended up home alone. i then kept coming up with excuses to drive past the pusher man and “test” my resolve. as insane as they sounds, i know that it was not to test my resolve, but to surrender to the cravings and get something to smoke, just one of something, as if that was really ever an option. the fact of the matter is that this journey to becoming nicotine free, has cost me more than i thought it would and the positive aspect of having more bucks in my pockets is overshadowed by the negative aspect of cravings, obsession and all of the “adjustments” my body is making as the poison leaves my system. yes this is certainly one of those “the lady doth protest too much, methinks,” kind of gripes. what i am seeking is approval and what i am getting is the strength from the POWER that fuels my recovery to persevere on this particular path.
the fraught with peril part of intimacy is an echo of a story i have told to myself from the very first time i revealed something about who i was and it was used against me in the court of public opinion. the lesson i learned and the story i developed was that IF i keep everything about myself on the down-low, no one can ever humiliate or hurt me again. i was safe if i built a wall and allowed nothing to penetrate it. i did not realize until after i got clean, how lonely it was inside my fortress of solitude. yes i was safe, yes i had acquaintances but when someone got too close i had to push them out, lest i get hurt once again. all of my relationships then became a zero sum game: how much was i willing to risk for closeness? in the end of my active addiction, i gave only when i could get something tangible, as my various ex-lovers, ex-friends and ex-wife, could certainly testify to, if they chose to think about it. it was what it was and as i walk this path of active recovery, the regret i feel for what i missed out on, over the course of those decades is at times, overwhelming.
today, i choose to use that regret as a touchstone for being an active and honest participant in my current relationships. i am delving into my true nature and countering the stories that have defined my life for so long. that does mean i am fearless, brave or even courageous these days, it just means that i am more so and that i have decided a life in that fortress of solitude is a negative consequence, that i have the DESIRE to change, just for today.

∞ DT ∞