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and companionship of intimacy, am i willing to pay the price? in a galaxy very near here, in a time not so long ago, i would have had happily and forcefully said, NO, when asking that question. after all, letting people in, means they have the ways and means to hurt and destroy me. life is much safer when EVERYONE is kept at a distance. risk reduction was what i was all about, at least when it came to my emotional world. knowing everything about everyone else was fine and the tiny bit of quid pro quo i did, was hardly what one would call intimacy. in my worldview, that was all i was willing to offer, safe better than sorry was my motto to live by. while that was certainly true for active addiction, the fact is, even in recovery, that attitude did not instantly change, in fact for quite some period of time, it was reinforced by the human nature of the fellowship and how much everyone knows about everyone else. i could stay above the fray, if i always sounded good, looked good, and present just enough of who i am, so everyone else could form their opinions based on the scant information i provided. for me, “sharing for the newcomer,” was a defense mechanism, as it meant i did not have to reveal anything i was unwilling to let out into the wild.
as sad and pathetic as that sounds, and it does, that weak and feeble person, finally had to start to let go of his defenses and become real. once i saw that hiding in the armor or a fellowship service junkie, did nothing but hurt me and keep me from those who could provide me the direction i needed in my life, i was finally FREE to resume my journey into becoming the person i have always wanted to be. that person is not always the biggest, baddest, most spiritual or smartest person in the crowd. as i let down those walls and began to become part of something greater, the human race, i came to regret all those years spent in the prison of my own making. the fact is, no matter how carefully i craft my image, people can still destroy me with what they know about me. the difference today is, i know that as fact, steel myself against that possibility and walk forward in my life, being who i really am, and not what someone tells me i “should” be. the devil, my addict self, or alien possession does not make me do anything, today i CHOOSE my actions. i may not choose wisely, but i own what i am and accept that there are consequences for each and every thing i do. my little flirtation =with power lately, is all about control, and although some of my peers may blame it on an artistic or oversized ego, the fact is, i chose to NOT work my step as a way of exerting power in one of the few arenas i still have some influence over, my step work. no excuses and no step writing, but i am not hiding that fact these days, either. just for today, i can let others see who oi am and practice a bit of courage, instead of cringing in the dank and dark prison of self-obsession.

∞ DT ∞