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and consistently honest, well at least to the best of my ability, just for today. ah yes, those wonderful phrases that i can use to qualify how **honest** i am and how often i have to be that **honest.** i know that those **qualifiers** are not meant to be loopholes that i can dive through to act badly. i know all about false humility, which resembles being honest about myself and i am quite practiced in that art. i know all about brutal honesty, which i use to injure others. what i am learning about and have been since the day i finally accepted i was not different and was an addict, is how to be just plain honest, with myself, with my friends, peers and family and with those i interact with on a daily basis. as i quite evident, when i start rolling something around in my head, i can get things all twisted out of shape.
dropping out of that mode, as hard as it is sometimes, is part of becoming honest. as i was chatting with one of the men that call me their sponsor yesterday, i told him that what he is now remembering about the insanity of his active addiction, was the result of getting honest enough with his “BIG” issue and now the desire to put all of that into perspective was growing within him. i let him know that my set of current steps, seems to be focused on the lies that i have told myself for so long, that they have become “true stories.” the FOURTH STEP seems to be working me as well, as i hesitate to start writing it. i mean, seriously, when the only resentment i seem to have is a person who no longer is part of my life, the child i was when i first told the lies that became my life. over fifty years of telling myself the same stuff has had its affected how i see myself today and boy, oh boy, am i pissed at that youth, how the f^ck could he do that to me?
i know today, that those lies “protected” me and as i grew in active addiction, they morphed into the barrier that kept me sort of sane and at least able to leave my home. getting clean and learning how to live a program of recovery, has brought me to a place where i can no longer ignore those lies and how they are manifest in my life today. sure it would be easy to dive into a dive i have dove into before and just run away. the wall i find myself up against today feels strong, thicker and higher than any i have faced since getting clean. this feels as if i am doing a demolition of my whole being and while i might be amenable to that process, what will be erected on the other side scares the living sh!t out me. more than a bit of FAITH will be required and i am not sure where i will uncover that FAITH, if i am not there yet. with that thought on the top of my head, i think i will head on out to my home group and hang with my peers for seventy-five minutes or so

∞ DT ∞