Blog entry for:

there are times when feeling isolated and alone is exactly what i think i NEED, so the counter argument, keeping my stuff to myself, does exactly that, allows me to feel isolated and alone.
as i walk this current path towards the THIRD STEP, i am becoming aware of what is going on around me, and as a result more aware of what is going on within me. the behaviors of others, good, bad or indifferent is providing me with plenty of material for self-appraisal and inventory material. what i am especially hearing is the whole victimization scenario being played out in my head. how i am a victim of this person, or that group of people or this event or my checkered past, or barring any of that, the old reliable standby, MY ADDICTION.
this morning, i share this, because, i see the pattern. that pattern is that IF I AM A VICTIM then i am helpless to do anything about it. since STEP ONE is about being POWERLESS, i can easily equate my feigned HELPLESSNESS with POWERLESSNESS, and BOOM here i am. i am so fVcking POWERLESS and nobody likes me, so i might as well go and eat some worms! WAH WAH WAH!
the path before provides a few choices. i can stay where i am, miserable, isolated and alone and see where that takes me. i can loudly and abusively rebel against my persecutors and make sure that no one wants to get close. OR, and this is probably the best of the choices, i can accept that sh!t happens in the course of human relationships and life in general and move on to the next right thing for my recovery, which for me, does not petulantly pouting alone in my room. i did not get clean, i do not stay clean to make myself miserable, and that situation is unacceptable to me, as i am worth way more than that today. my worth cannot be measured by some magic scale, although i sometimes believe it is. i am also worth doing what it takes to let others know who i really am, that is as i uncover those facts myself. that man, was beat to within a micrometer of his death and pitched on the rubbish heap to die, by active addiction. as those self-inflicted wounds begin to heal, who he was is now becoming apparent to me and it is my job to allow others to get to know him. there is only one way to do that. that way is sharing what is going on, being genuine in my relationships with other and being present for what is going on in the here and now. speaking of which, i need to go work out, get a shower in, go test the end of the month batch, write a sponsee and clean off a project or two from my desktop. so i guess before i whine about how this morning got away from me i will get on to doing the next right thing. until next time be as well as you can be, as i know i will certainly do my best to be.

∞ DT ∞