Blog entry for:

lest they threaten my using. in recovery, i am learning how to trust others.
well that was not the only reason, but it will do for today, after all, who i was, is not who i am and who i am today, is just a snapshot, a screenshot as it were, of the process of who i am becoming.
so if that is the case, that when i work a program of active recovery, i am in a state of constant flux, how can anyone get to know me? after all, tomorrow i will be a different man, and what was tolerable and within my boundaries today, may no longer be that way.
i have a ex-sponsee, who is trying to be my friend again, that is struggling with that very fact. he is who he is, and is not happy about the changes that are coming about in our lengthy and tumultuous relationship, due to my growth. once again, he has found himself of the outside looking in, and wondering why i am such an asshole. he rationalizes, justifies, and brings up a litany of sins from our past, and continues to defend bits and pieces of his life, that are so totally irrelevant to me, that it would be comical, if it was not so pathetic. i more than likely know him better than anyone else in that is currently on this side of the dirt, but what he seems not to get, is that i am changing. although i want him to get this, i no longer have the need to accept abuse and disrespect, in order to give him a way in, that is on him and i formally abdicate my responsibility in his entry back into recovery.
more and more, as i grow, i abdicate more and more of what i once believed was mine to control. as i practice acceptance and surrender, i see that the only program of recovery i am responsible for, is my own.
which seems to bring me back to the topic at hand, how do i learn to share only what i have? the real me, as it were. driven by how i think i look to others, i have spent my life in the shadows, hiding as much of what i thought was negative, and overemphasizing what i thought were my positive attributes. trying to look like something i was not, and only fooling myself in the process. with that thought in mind, intimacy is my greatest desire and my greatest fear. the dueling aspects of that dichotomy, rip me to pieces in nearly every social situation and i end up, withdrawing, acting aloof and arrogantly spouting my point of view, from on high. when i discover myself, backed into that corner, i get embarrassed and feel the shame of exercising behaviors i long ago wanted exorcised. so withdrawing and hiding feels like the next right thing to do, when i now know that owning that i behaved in less than a stellar manner, and owning my wrongs is the healthiest choice i can make. which is where i guess i am heading, as the reading says, living honestly is hard work, the rewards may seem elusive and sometimes not worth the effort, BUT the accumulated experience of those who have walked this path before, definitively tell me that is an erroneous belief and part of the denial system, i designed to keep myself on the margins.
anyhow, with that in mind,m it is time to shower off, and head on out for my not quite so busy Saturday, maybe i will even get a string or two lights hung, before i crash tonight, who knows. what i do know, is that if i keep doing what i have been doling, i will get what i really want, deep, true and honest relationships with my family, my friends, and my peers.

∞ DT ∞