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can you see the real me, doctor, doctor? yes, old rock and roll tunes sometimes fill my head when i allow them to. the answer to that and many other questions, is maybe. when i got to the rooms, i would have said of course, if i allow you to. i shared just enough of the real me, to make the impression i was trying to make, and thought nothing was wrong with being hidden, withdrawn and duplicitous. when i finally got to the correct fellowship i would have said, maybe, but be careful i am like an emotional porcupine, cute to look at, but certainly a hazard to get close to. when i finally got to the recovery part, i would have said, as the reading suggests, hold on one minute, while i find out myself.
learning who and what i am, is a lifelong process, i am coming to find out. juts when i think i have it down pat, BOOM, something new about me gets uncovered. when i say the longer i stay clean the less i know, what i am really saying is that the longer i stay clean, the more i see what i do not know. i do know that i am an addict, and that when i choose to be, in active recovery. i do know that i am a human being, chock full of all the assets and foibles of my gender and my race, walking stereotype, when i choose to go that direction as well. at times, i am a scared little boy, or a loving and kind family member or a petulant little brat, and any or all of those roles, can happen in a blink of the eye. they are all part of who i am, and may or may not be part of whop i am becoming, as i am powerless over that process. nay, let me qualify that last statement. i DO have some power here. IF i choose to stay clean, and IF i choose to live a program of recovery, and I foster that growth. the end result, the man i have always wanted to be, is however, in the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. my daily inventories keep me apprised of my progress in that effort and as i grow into someone that is less hazardous to the emotional and spiritual well-being of those who are in my life, i get to have more them as part of my life.
so today? today i will work towards being whole, genuine and self-aware. when i meet with my sponse, i will present my vision of the spiritual nature of the program, as i see it, and for once let go of the results. i am confident that whatever happens, will be just what it supposed to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞