Blog entry for:

today i am in a better spot than yesterday, my emotions are returning and i have surrendered my fear to GOD. that does mean i am any less afraid to make this decision only that i have i am no longer obsessing about it. i have gained the some peace and serenity and will continue to seek the answer from deep within myself. it is certainly ironic that 35 days ago i did not have a clue about how to help my friend and had resigned myself to the fact that i would need to prepare myself for his untimely demise, barring some miracle. well he has his miracle, my heart and mind has been opened to possibilities that i am constructed of amazing things, such as a vital body organ that has the ability to regenerate, and that i have the depth and strength of mind to walk a path that may give someone else a chance to live. i told my sponsor yesterday that i did not like having the god-like power of life and death over anyone and was not only afraid of making a decision but the consequences of that decision. the truth is that without some time in the program and the support of those who know and love me i would have already cut and run. well i am still here today and the only choice i have made today is to recover. the consequences of that decision are that now i do not have to use, or go shopping or hurt anyone, at least for today. that i allow people to look into my soul or allow a POWER GREATER than me to operate through me in of itself an amazing change from how i was when i started recovery. that i can face my choices head-on and continue to be ok with not only myself and my situation in the world, is part of the miracle i have found in recovery. i often here that old cliché do not leave before the miracle happens and have always wondered what miracle? well today i feel a miracle, namely that i can face my fears and insecurities and learn to live in the world around me regardless of what curve ball gets thrown at me. i can allow my friends and those who love to see me without my façade of having it all together and not worry about how they will judge me. today i choose RECOVERY no matter what and i feel comfortable with that choice.
-- DT --