Blog entry for:

generously, expecting nothing is certainly not part of who i was, in fact whenever i gave something, even if it was inconsequential, i expected much more back in return. no zero sum game for me, as i wanted to be ahead and demanded to end up as the winner. there were very few bounds to the audacity i showed when making my demands and it is hardly any wonder that at the end, there was no one left who wanted to deal with me. learning to be generous and expect nothing back, has been a long process for me, and there are times, especially when i am out and about on the local trails, when i slip back into getting angry when someone fails to acknowledge my “good morning.” for me, that is the best indicator of how spiritually “fit” i am. unfortunately it will be at least a week before i can get a work out in, as my nagging. slightly annoying, ache and pain, has turned into a showstopper of a strain or sprain. i know it is from over-use and taking a lighter week of exercise was not the proper course of treatment, as evidenced by spending an afternoon in the ER making sure my injury was not as dire as the TeleDoc said it “could” be.
of course, what that meant was that i could not comment of the conversation i was dreading all week, which fit quite nicely in yesterday's topic: restraint as an expression of freedom.
as i was starting the last half of my mountaineering workout yesterday, my knee gave out of a big step down. i had to call one of my peers to have him help train the new guy who has volunteered to open our meeting. arriving late and in a foul mood, due to my injury, i did not have the opportunity to speak with to the disrespect one of the attendees had been demonstrating. i ran the meeting and did a bit of an ad-lib in our format and when i shared i spoke of the days when i was just getting started and how disrespectful i was of what the fellowship was all about and how the members shared their experience, strength and hope, all wrapped up in a nice neat package of self-obsession. all i know is that my target shared, all of a sudden seemed to get what he has been doing. whether or not that continues to be the case is yet to be seen. because i shared my own experience and did not exercise the opportunity to hammer him on his own, i got the freedom of restraint and i walked out of that meeting, without having to admit i was wrong.
if i were to have a bit of FAITH, and i do, i would say that the POWER that fuels my recovery, may actually be taking a bit of an active role in my life. the injury forces me to stop and heal, before i start training for Africa and because it kept me from arriving in time to ambush or recalcitrant member, nothing new appeared on my TENTH STEP inventory last night. life is like that some days and the lemons of what occurred on the west side of Mt Sanitas, may actually be lemonade when all is said done.

∞ DT ∞