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from blaming circumstances -- or myself -- and into living a solution. that solution? well for me, it is living the 12 STEPS of the fellowship that has given me this new life. it all started when i first heard those three disturbing realizations when i was about eighteen months clean. yes, i had already accepted that i NEEDED to be in a program, had worked the 12 steps with a sponsor. self-sponsored and was starting my second round with my second sponsor, so at that time i was finally primed for what was being said.
before i go further down that road, a bit of back-tracking is required. up until that day, i was still concerned about the why and how i became an addict. i could call myself an addict without cringing, but still wanted top figure out what my triggers were, and what part of my life was so heinous that i had to use to tolerate it. the circles, the hours and the effort i put into trying to figure it out is worthy of a long work of literature. just when i thought i had it nailed, along came the these disturbing realizations and BOOM, i was catapulted into a whole new world. the irony here, was that i read them more than once, even it a literature study meeting and yet they had never sunk in -- i am not responsible for my addiction BUT i am responsible for my recovery. i can no longer blame…
these days the men i sponsor are exposed to these realizations early on, as i can help them from preventing a few of the stumbling blocks, that i faced when i got clean. that is however a digression. the freedom i gained from the admission that i had no part in becoming an addict and my responsibility was choosing my effort at recovery, is amazing and more than a bit daunting. i started this reading saying that for me, it is the 12 STEPS and the 12 STEPS only, that free me from active addiction. for someone else? i do not know, that is a decision that they need to make for themselves. i also know that recovery is not something i catch from someone else, just by being close to them. i have to decide that i want to recover from addiction and then TAKE THE ACTION, necessary to do so. oh i can prattle on about my ducks being in a row, or how if this or that happens, i will be there. i can come to lots of meetings but never work a step or meet with a sponsor because i am somehow different from those who are at the meetings. i know that course of action for me, will result in a return to active addiction. i am fortunate enough to have an abundance of examples of what happens to people like me, when they think they got their addiction licked, that i need not stumble down that particular path. yes i really hate the cliché that they used so i did not have to, BUT it is an apt one, in this instance. for me it is all about doing whatever it takes to stay clean today and foster my ability to make the same choice tomorrow. for others? well that is up to them, but for one of the men i sponsor, maybe this trip through the consequences of doing what he always did and expecting a different result, will convince him of that same realization, that he is an addict and if he wants what we have to offer, than he has to do what we do.
so off to the shower and down to Denver i go, to earn my daily living. it is a good day to be clean and i am grateful that, not only do i have the ability to support myself, i have the desire as well.

∞ DT ∞