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i can move away from blaming myself and into living the solution. which today, i almost feel capable of doing. i am finally getting to the place where i can see where my participation in all of the behaviors that find abhorrent is just one more manifestation of the condition from which i suffer, namely addiction. these days, i have trouble reconciling addiction as a disease, and that really is no big deal, i could use the sophistry i have heard others use, or i can just accept that i am constructed so that any use of mind altering substances triggers a reaction in me, different from the majority of the people in the world. when i am abstinent, that same condition is manifest in other ways, that make my life unmanageable, and over which i am certainly powerless. so i can continue to blame myself for participating in relationships that were not in my best interest, or i can just accept that is what i did, i am more healthy now, and i need to move into the next phase of my recovery.
just saying that has a freeing quality to it, and i am certain as time goes on, as i continue the process of forgiving myself for acting out on my addiction, i will fall into a whole new set of unhealthy behaviors. that just happens to be the nature of the person i am. and who is that person? just another addict, freed today from active addiction, doing his best to maintain that freedom. so on that hopeful thought it is time to move into my day.

∞ DT ∞