Blog entry for:

of a future of dignity and respect, little did i realize way back when that addiction would be a force that shaped my life and allowed me the FREEDOM to escape what my belief that i was so broken, i could never, ever be myself. after sleeping away most of my life, attempting to hide under the cover of lies and fronts, recovery is certainly a fresh breeze of life. in the days since i finally came out of the rock i lived under for nearly six decades, i have finally completed the literal part of my amends to myself, as i have a full rack of teeth for the first time in years. this has been a financial burden, BUT, i no longer keep my teeth in a cup overnight and if i continue to practice dental hygiene perhaps i never will. the living part of my amends is ongoing and in the long run it may not affect how i age at all, but at least i am not giving up without my best effort and doing what i can.
as i sat this morning, all of that bubbled up to the surface leaving behind a pile of regrets about delaying so long on getting to the bottom of my self-image and how that played out in my life. i know now, that as regretful as i may be, i was not ready to release that pain, until i finally did that fourth and fifth step. the ironic part of it all, is how the other party remembers it and now says they are “mortified,” by their actions, when they laughed about it for decades on end. that is the true source of my pain, having to relive that event as the butt of a terrible “funny story.” as hard as the attempt to deny how that event got out, i know there were only two of us who probably remember that day and i never told a soul until i shared it with my sponsor during that impactful fifth step. that too, is as it is and i will never give them a path to contrition, even though i have forgiven them for their behaviors across the course of time.
living in the here and now, i CHOOSE another day in recovery. i CHOOSE another day clean. i CHOOSE to live an active program of recovery. all of those actions provide me the sort of life i never thought i could have and a path to becoming the person i never thought i could be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞