Blog entry for:

from blaming everything and everyone else, when something is not quite right in my life, has been a recurrent theme in my recovery journey. i can certainly state that once i figured out that addiction was a **disease,** i had a shiny and brand new scapegoat, to pin my issues on. that was quite a relief as now i had a new manner to absolve myself of all the crap i had done in my past, after all, how could anyone expect anything more from a lowly, using addict. that new blanket of deniability lasted until i finally owned up to who and what i was, for real and started creating a home in the fellowship that has given me the gifts of a life outside of active addiction.
when i started this day, i knew that there may be a challenge or three for me to deal with, what i did not expect was the challenge to be me. 😉 what i just had to do, is to let go of the notion that just because i made a mistake, in my hurry to get out the door and into this chilly morning, i am not hopelessly flawed or broken. i know that i am an active part of a process that is making me better. i do not see myself as more “broken” than my peers, although some of the time, i wonder why it takes me so long to grasp certain ideas. i have not arrived at any definitive conclusions to that query, but the clues seem to point to the remnants of the fortress of denial that i had erected over the course of my active addiction.
as i wait for the paint to dry, on the process i am trying to get to run, i feel the minutes slipping by and am beginning to wonder why that is so important to me. i am not going to the office, nor do i have any meetings, this morning that require me to be anywhere at any particular time. what it seems to be, is my NEED to follow through on my routine, rather than being okay with allowing what is happening, to just unfold as it is. i can see that “paint is going to dry,” and the morning is warming up to a more comfortable temperature as the sun rises. i would love to blame my frustrations this morning on something else, but the fact is, i had issues that kept me up later than i desired last night and the issues this morning are self-inflicted, as my frustration led to impatience and impatience led to me doing sh!t i know, not to do. WAH-WAH-WAH 😭 😭 😭. the fact of the matter is, today i can accept that i am a human being and an addict to boot. i can accept that i may not always act in the most stellar manner. most importantly i can learn to forgive myself for the faux pas that may fill this day and move along. it is after all a good day to be a bit better than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞