Blog entry for:

i DO, however CHOOSE to be in recovery today.
there are many choices, in my everyday life, some are simple, so simple they are nearly automatic, such as choosing to ASK for the power to stay clean today. some are physiologically automatic, choosing to take my next breath. while i can CHOOSE to hold my breath until i pass-out, as soon as my conscious effort to cease breathing stops, i start breathing again. some choice are the result of addiction, habituated through the many days when using and finding the ways and means to use, consumed my very waking moment of my days. those old habits are so engrained in me and people like me, it is no wonder that very few of us, walk away from using at all, and even fewer actually spend the rest of their lives without using ever again. of course, on the flip side, there are choices, such as the one i mentioned above that are part and parcel of choosing not to use just for today, on a daily basis. i have become habituated to those choices because i have chosen not to use for days upon days in a row. in fact, what i am reminded of here, is that i CAN choose my reality, up to a certain point. i CAN choose to NOT USE TODAY, no matter what, and that choice leads directly to another set of choice, an alternate set of realities for me.
i can choose to not do anything to support that choice, stay clean on my own will and stubbornness, and as i have been clean for some days now, i might even get away with it today, but i also understand that is risky behavior for me. after all, the truth be told, i NEVER could stay clean back in the day, under my own force of will, so lack of using, may stave off the inevitable, but addiction will grind my down, under its patient and persistent prodding and in the end, i will use again. how do i know this? the evidence is all around me. i have seen it first hand over and over again. the experience of our walking wounded is enough of an object lesson for me.
that leaves the other alternate, if i CHOOSE the path of recovery, my horizons open up and i am presented with a multitude of choices, none of which makes using an attractive proposition in this slice of time. this alternate reality, at least for me, is the path towards happiness and serenity, stuff i NEVER believed was possible for someone like me, so i had given up hope of even the possibility of reaching that state. in this reality there are things i need to do to foster that decision.
to be sure the only binary, yes and no, black and white reality here is: to use or not to use, and that my friends is the question! whether 'tis nobler to suffer…
you know how that will go on, and it is apt, as using is resuming my march towards suicide, and a concept i have no doubts about today.
i CHOOSE today, to live.
i CHOOSE today, to stay clean.
i CHOOSE today, to support that decision by incorporating the program of recovery into my everyday life.
those choices lead to an infinite number of alternate realities and choices in my waking life, and for me, today that is a good thing. no matter how loudly the addict within screams that there is TOO MANY CHOICES, recovery simplifies my complex life. it is true that a life in active addiction was simple, use, find more, do what i needed to get more and use again. not using presents so many more choices, that i can get overwhelmed, and that is where the program comes in. IF I CHOOSE to live a program, my choices can be constrained by spiritual principles. some i choose to apply all the time, some, some of the time and some, well i am after all, only human. yeah the ultimate cop-out, i love it. in the end it always come down to that, but that is okay, because if i CHOOSE recovery, i will continue my journey to becoming a better person, one day at a time.
time to hit the dusty and see what i choices i GET to make today.

∞ DT ∞