Blog entry for:

that i have choices today? got to admit it, here and now, the seed i used this morning did not come from the reading. it certainly fits and is a good way to get this little ditty started. when i walk into a day, with my possibilities unlocked, i GET to choose the actions that further my journey towards becoming the person i have always wanted to be, even though i have very little clarity as to who that person may be.
as i sat this morning, what i heard shared at last night's meeting came back to me. the theme that i kept hearing was how victimized my peers were, by the events in their lives. whether or not that was their intention, i do not know. what i do know, that what they shared brought back those echoes of being a victim to me, as i sat quietly this morning. getting a diagnosis in my early recovery, provided the means to be a victim to the fact i had “panic disorder.” the ONE thing my shrink told me, was to stop focusing on the anxiety, breathe and face whatever was making me all f*ckered up with a bit of courage. IF i chose to cave to my anxiety, i would need to stay on medication and start therapy sessions, but if i walked through it, worked the steps and forgave myself for being such a social f*cktard, more than likely my panic disorder would fade into the background.
what that medical professional was telling me all those days ago, was that i had a CHOICE and i could free myself from the bondage of my diagnosis, through behaving my way to better thinking. even though i missed the message of changing my story, i CHOSE to follow her direction and reclaimed my life from the tyranny of anxiety. by choosing to take action, for the first time in my life, i had decided that being a victim was no longer “good enough” for this addict. it was the start of a path that allowed me to take responsibility for my recovery and to stop blaming the fact i was an addict for all the less that esteem-able things i was doing.
i do understand that many of my peers, are really and truly victims at their own hand and the hands of others. i feel for them and if any one of them ask for my advice, i will give them my experience, strength and hope. my path to recovery and my look back into the past, reveals that although culture, societal pressures, and family dynamics may have played a part in why i picked up the very first time, i no longer care or worry about that “why.” i used for twenty-five years and continued to use, until external influences and undesirable consequences stopped me long enough to catch my breath and get the opportunity to choose, not to use, just for today.
today i have choices and i choose not to be a victim at the hands of addiction. today i choose to forgive myself for being less than a social butterfly and still feeling anxious in social situations. today i choose recovery and today i choose to do whatever it takes, to foster that recovery, for yet another, just for today.

∞ DT ∞