Blog entry for:

for others to hear the message is not something i ever considered as giving generously. okay, i have to admit that i often start off these little exercises in mind-dumpery going down a contrary path, even though, once i consider what i am talking about, i wholeheartedly agree. that just seems to be the manner in which i am wired and i need not make any apologies for that.
looking at how generous i may or may not be, and whether or not i have expectations of some sort of return is, at times, a tricky subject. mi would like to think that each and every time i give something to my fellowship or my peers in recovery, be it time, money, experience, strength or hope, that there is no expectation attached. yes, in a perfect world and if i was some sort of recovery saint that would certainly be the case. i live in a far from perfect world and saintlike is not an apt description of who i am. i do my best with what i have been given and across the course of my recovery, i have come to see that i often do approach a manner of giving without expectations. there is, however, ulterior motives involved. IF i give to the fellowship, i hope to have a p[lace to continue my recovery, that fits who i am and where i feel safe and somewhat comfortable. even the newcomer who has yet to come back, after i gave them “The Triangle of Self-Obsession,” was an act of generosity on my part, and i hope they have found a bit of peace and understand that they have a place here. it was not my intention to chase them off, but if i was concerned about every FNG that did not come back, because they were given a piece of reading material, i would never do so again. i gave because i felt their hurt and what i gave fit into what they were going through.
anyhow the sun is rising and i am itching to get out on the streets. just for today, i will look for the opportunity to give away all that i have been given, in the spirit of service to my fellowship and fellow human beings. of course, there is a bit of HOPE attached to those gifts and maybe an expectation or three, BUR+T, i will do my best to let them go and give freely, despite my bad self.

∞ DT ∞