Blog entry for:

i had none of the things that give life its sense and value. i took drugs in a vain attempt to fill the emptiness inside myself. and as i have said before, i did not realize any of this when i came to recovery, nor did i actually sense this until i was several months clean. i believed that life was good and as soon as i got my family and the justice system off my back, i wanted to return to that life. for me., in those early days, recovering my old life was exactly what i wanted, and actually worked towards with a passion.
something ironic happened along the way, i got what i NEEDED and not what i wanted. part of me changed, and i discovered, and discovery is the correct term here, that i did not really want that old life back, and that what i found here was more than i ever had. the material gifts came quickly to me, especially after i stopped spending my resources on getting my next fix. HOWEVER the spiritual gift of desperation was the greatest gift i got in those early days. i know now that i was desperate when i was forced into the rooms, and i also know that denial prevented me from seeing that until i had a few months clean. i finally felt the emptiness, the loneliness, and the the isolation that had come to characterize my life. i finally wanted something more. what that more was, was beyond me at that time, but i had come to the conclusion that if i hung out long enough, listened a bit, and opened my mind to some new possibilities, i might discover what that more would turn out to be.
well what that more was, is a new manner of living. this is not a path for the feint of heart but it certainly is a path with rewards far beyond anything that i could have imagined. so anyhow, one may wonder what rewards and i thought you did not like to work on the reward and punishment basis of living? well one is correct, i do not like thinking about recovery as a reward based manner of living, BUT i am human, and no matter how spiritual i aspire to be, i still like being rewarded for proper behavior, dang it, to say anything else would be just a lie. i like to think that even if i was not getting rewarded emotionally, spiritually and materially i could still recover, and perhaps that is the case. HOWEVER, i will simply express my gratitude for the emotional and spiritual gifts i receive on a daily basis, and for all of those i am grateful beyond words. i have a debt to my fellowship that grows by the day, regardless of how much i do to be of service. that is a debt i willingly acknowledge and do my best to discharge. it is not a debt that is onerous or painful to carry forward in life. it just is what it is, and on that grateful note it is off to the showers and into the real world.

∞ DT ∞