Blog entry for:

i made a decision to do the footwork without a clear picture of my destination. i still do not have a clear picture of that destination, BUT, i have developed the FAITH to keep doing what i have been doing, as it has provided me the ways and means to be a part of the world, i once so adamantly shunned.
as i sat this morning, i did not think about my Mom's decline nor how she was being ripped off by her caretaker. i seemed to have let that part of my life go, for now anyhow. i did not consider what a privilege it was to be able to have the resources and the ability to climb to the top of Africa and did not inventory all the parts of my life, for which i am grateful. no, what bubbled up to the surface was a feeling of wonderment that a cynical and skeptical person such as myself could drink the recovery Kool-Ade and look forward to what this day may bring. i know to the rest of the world this recovery path certainly looks cultist and superstitious. i have to admit, at times i see it that way as well, especially the whole HIGHER POWER bit. i also admit that before i was sentenced to recovery, i was without direction and lacking in any sort of compassion or people skills. i was a chameleon and took great care to keep the real me on the down-low. when i got desperate enough to really give this manner of living a try, i had no FAITH that it would work for me and put conditions on how long i would go all in. here is sit nearly 10K days later, gratefully acknowledging the FAITH in the program that gives me day after day, a life that i believe is worth living.
i make a decision, each and every day, to do my best to foster the best life possible. i know my Mom made a decision a year ago, to let go and allow herself to sink into oblivion, before her resources ran out. she told me more than once, that she regretted what her life had become and wondered how she got things so wrong. i have my opinions on that and as a result, i live each day, doing the next right thing, to foster a manner of living, that allows me to live. when one digs a bit deeper, i have no empirical evidence that eating well, exercising, living a program of recovery and participating in the world around me will lead to a better conclusion to my life, than that of my Mom. i am living a life of FAITH in action, and although what may come is still shrouded in the unknown future, i will arrive there knowing that i did my best to make the best possible future i could have. that, at least in my book, is living in FAITH, just for today.

∞ DT ∞