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i used to have, worth recovering? had you asked me this twenty years ago, i would have said it was my sole desire and my overarching concern. today, my answer is: not so much. there is really not much of that so-called life worth recovering and the difference between now and then, is the gifts i have been given in recovery. it is true, my life is far from perfect, as i struggle to clean up the mess i made of my finances, i am still better off than i was way back when. this morning, as i sat, my mind went to many places, but it always came back to the fact that i am better off today, than i ever was in the past. i have the DESIRE to be more than i was. i have the means to make that a reality. a metaphor for my life was certainly summed up as i witnessed someone in Cañon City, miss putting his cigar in his mouth. i was certainly that guy, back in the day, and had i known that someone had seen me miss my mouth, i would have played it off as something that i meant to do, or glared at them until they had no recourse but to turn away. after all, back in those days i was invincible and invulnerable. the only reason i was in the rooms, was because someone had ratted me out, as i was not an addict and certainly did not have a “drug problem.”
today i know that i am an addict, but never really had a “drug” problem. my problem went much deeper than that and was rooted in how i lived, thought and reacted to the world around me. i certainly do not want to recover that life, so just for today, i think i will get moving on down the road for another day of gainful employment and as day clean.

∞ DT ∞