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the program, my peers and myself is not something i got as part of my nature. in reality it was a lack of any faith in my fellow travelers that drove me to the chemical bliss of active addiction, in which i could live without compassion or understanding for anyone. it was all for me and all for me, no one else mattered unless i wanted or needed something from them, and then the playacting started. i am probably not unique in this, but i have yet to hear that little slice of heaven shared by anyone else, or at least i do not recall anyone ever sharing that. it is perhaps i have never wanted to hear that fact spoken out loud, so that i could remain unique or that i just stumbled across this, because one of my peers said something that triggered a memory. it does not matter in the least bit, after all that is who i once was and not who i am now.
my Mom will be spending a few days in the hospital, as she always seems to do this time of year. i am not sure what drives her to allowing herself to fall into a state that requires a few days of hospitalization once a year or so, if i were to venture a guess, i would say depression over the holidays and what she has lost, drives her to stop doing what she needs to do to thrive, like eat and drink. armchair psychoanalysis is no longer a game i play, so i will just accept what is and move along. what i heard this morning, when i allowed myself to stop planning how to be out of the house by Noon, which did not happen,, was that it is a good thing that i have found FAITH in the program of recovery. i have the opportunity to live each day to the fullest and although i will not do anything perfectly, i will do most of the parts of my life, more than adequately. i am hopeful that i have been at least adequate in my training program to climb to the top of Kilimanjaro. i have a few more days of very strenuous pounding to do, then it is mere maintenance until that fateful day. the seven miles i walked this morning, has left me a bit tired but not all that sore, so i have a bit of FAITH that i just may be doing enough. with that on the top of my mind, i guess i will post this and get moving on to watch some football and enjoy an afternoon out and about. just for today, i can and will live in the FAITH that my peers and the program will provide me with all that i need and cannot provide for myself.

∞ DT ∞