Blog entry for:

providing me with the inner strength and direction i so sorely lack.
okay, before you roll your eyes and say not again, i will be very breif. as someone who is NOT a spiritual guru, beacon of recovery or **GOD** guy, i may wander off course as i type out what is on mind. what i felt when i sat down to listen this morning. what i feel in the here and now. so all caveats aside here i go.
once upon a time, in a land that seems very far, far away, there walked a man who cared very little for anything in the world, except for himself. he was cloaked in a wall of denial and had built a front so nearly impenetrable that he thought himself invulnerable to the slings and arrows of life. everything was just FINE the way it was, and although he was beginning to miss the warmth of human companionship, he was afraid to let anyone in, lest they take from him, the only activity that ever made him feel whole, getting high. he told himself, that those who had to love him, needed to be protected from him, so he withdrew further and further into the enforced solitude of active and end-stage addiction. and so it was, and so it would ever be, and that was just fine and dandy to him, he had all that he needed to survive.
fast forward to the real world, right here and right now. looking back, i cannot see or even begin to comprehend, how i had ever arrived in that mythical state.
how had all my desire for human contact and intimacy been stripped from my being?
how had any desire to better myself and to stop settling for second best been removed?
would i ever really want to go there again?
so what is then, that i am recovering, as that implies a return to a previous state of being?
that, my friends is always the pertinent question when talking about restoration. i am more of the mind that i have been returned to life, after being locked in the Bastille of active addiction and degenerating into an obsessive and compulsive creature, who lived from day to day solely due to his ignoring anything and everything that collided with his world view. i knew everything i needed.knew everyone i needed to know and was certain about what the world would bring to my doorstep. so what am i recovering? my humanity, my ambition, my impulsiveness, my joy, my wonder and most of all a full range of human emotions. the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides for me the opportunities to have all of that and much, much more, and it all starts with the simple to decision to stay clean today NO MATTER WHAT.
anyhow, the weather is far from ideal for my commute this morning so the time has come to pack up, shower off and hit the slippery trail. today i am grateful that i am not recovering the life i once had and i have a new manner of looking at the world around me.

∞ DT ∞